The Other Side of the Sea
by cheekybeak
Summary: Legolas has found a lifeline but will it save him? What is life really like on the other side of the sea?
1. Chapter 1

He was broken.

His fea shattered into pieces, scattered in ribbons of grief as it flowed out of the terminal wound in his heart, that was how it felt.

All day he had been strong, numb, detached from the agony of his reality. He had done his job, carried out his responsibilities and kept this overwhelming pain locked inside. He was a block of ice that felt nothing. The world moved around him as though he watched from afar, he could neither stop it or join it. But as night crept in and the crowds of well meaning helpers melted away he found he was alone. It was then the pain had overwhelmed him, he felt his defences begin to crack and he had retreated here.

He had come to the place he felt his friend's presence the most, his study, strewn with books and personal items it was as if his spirit lingered here and was not a world away where he would never reach it. The thought that Aragorn was gone, so irrevocably gone from him echoed in his brain around and around and he could not grasp it. It was too huge to comprehend, that he would never see him again and the barrier, that thin layer of ice around his heart was breached. The pain was a physical one that stabbed through his chest and he curled up on himself, sinking to the cold stone floor.

This would never end. He was never coming back.

He did not know how long he sat there, he did not care. He did not care either when the door swung open behind him. He no longer had the energy to be the composed elven prince while inside he was self destructing.

It was the sound of his name that bought him to his senses.

"Legolas."

It was said with surprise and disappointment. Who ever it was had not wished to find anyone there, least of all him he thought and the idea of being an unwanted intrusion forced him to his feet. He still had his pride. Perhaps he had nothing else left but he still had that.

It was Elrohir who stood there, white faced and grim. He too was obviously looking for sanctuary, a place close to his brother.

"Forgive me. I will go," He did not want to speak with Elrohir, they had little to do with each other when Aragorn was not there to link them...and he was not there...he was not there.

But Elrohir held out an arm as he moved to walk past him.

"Do not go on my account Legolas," And he looked at him through narrowed eyes,

"Are you...?"

He knew he searched for a word to use that was not trite and self evident, 'Are you well? Are you alright? Are you surviving?' And he wanted to scream out 'I am not and I never will be again!"

He did not know what happened when he opened his mouth to reply. The words that flowed out were not what he wished to say. He did not want to share his grief, least of all with someone also grieving.

"I do not think I can survive this," He said. "My soul bleeds out from my heart and I can not stop it."

He was not asking for help, he knew nothing could. It was a statement of fact, that was all.

But Elrohir stepped forward, his eyes full of compassion and placed his hand over Legolas's heart.

"Can I slow it?"

Elrohir's hand lay warm on his chest. His touch firm and sure and Legolas thought about who had last touched him. He had spent the day with no contact save hesitant, unsure touches from those who did not know how to comfort. Who had last touched him with confidence like this?

The answer when it came to him broke him apart into an open well of loss for he realised it had been Aragorn when they had said farewell. He could barely even say it in his mind. He gasped with the realisation and the tears began to flow. They were unstoppable. Even his pride could not control them.

"It would break his heart to see you thus. He did not want this." Elrohir's fingers lifted to touch the edges of his tears.

"I cannot stop it," he repeated the words and it was true. He was trapped within this world of grief and powerless.

And Elrohir's frown deepened.

"Where is Gimli? You should not be alone."

"He is gone...I was cruel."

And he had been. He had pushed and pushed with harsh bitter words until even Gimli could bear no more and left him as they would all leave him in the end. He would regret that behaviour tomorrow, the next day, sometime in the future when he regained his sanity but right now in the depths of misery he could not bring himself to care. And so Elrohir took charge and he allowed it, although within him the part of his mind which was still Legolas protested saying he did not want this. It felt good to let someone else tell him what to do, not to have to think. He did not want to think. Thinking hurt.

Numbly he let Elrohir steer him through corridors towards his rooms. Where else could he take him after all? But when they reached there all they had was awkward silence. They barely knew each other, not really, not without Aragorn and he realised Elrohr had not wanted to be there at all. Aragorn's study was where he wished to be.

"It is alright if you leave me Elrohir. I do not need a baby sitter," he sighed, and secretly he wondered if he could just leave and return to Ithilien and his people.

"In truth," Elrohir said sadly as he stood and watched him, "I do not want to be alone. I went to the study to be closer to my brother but he is not there, not really, not as I wish it. I am fooling myself." He smiled slightly, ruefully, before he continued. "A fire is what I need, to burn this day from my mind for I do not want to remember it."

Legolas simply stared for those words seemed to resonate deep within him. They triggered something—something he had not known he needed but it was true. He needed something to burn through his mind and obliterate the memories of this day into dust. Something to light a fire to warm him, something to help him forget.

"Your fire," he murmured though he did not know why he did so. "Your fire will warm me."

And he realised somehow Elrohir's fingers cupped his cheek though he did not know when they had reached for it and they bought with them a soft warmth that melted the ice he was trapped within. They bought comfort and distraction and how he wanted that. But as quickly as he noticed they were there then they were gone. Elrohir pulled his hand away.

"I should not do this." He said.

But Legolas did not agree. His fea, now it had discovered what it needed was not going to let it go. He felt his spirit fly, it surged towards the warmth, the comfort, the fire that was so close...so close. It fought against the prison of his grief—this would set him free. He needed it.

And so he took it.

"You _should_ do this."

For the first time that day he reached out. After a day pushing others away he pulled someone closer.

There was no arguing with his lips, or his hands, and he felt Elrohir did not wish to argue anyway. They were kindred souls awash with pain and they would heal each other. The fire they created together would wash them anew.

It blazed towards his soul so he did not have to think...only to be.

Elrohir had reached through the ice and found Legolas at it's heart and for a brief few hours Legolas was free.

"What will you do now Legolas?"

Elrohir watched him as he dressed, his expression solemn. Legolas had expected when he woke he would find him gone and yet he was still here showing no signs of departing. It confused him. They had had their time of distraction, it was over. It was time to face the agony of the days ahead.

"I will sail. I cannot remain here, there is too much pain."

"Of course," was the reply. "None of us expect you to stay now." But the answer was rushed and made him look again. He felt judged and found lacking somehow although he couldn't explain why but he did not like it.

"The sea's call has become unbearable." For some reason he felt the need to explain further although why should he? "It has been a struggle to remain here this long, only because of Aragorn could I do it."

He did not want to think of Aragorn. He was ashamed of his lack of control of his grief last night. He would not do that again.

"You do not have to explain to me."

Elrohir rose to his feet. He looked if possible, more downcast, more unhappy than the day before.

"I must go. I should be with Elladan and Arwen" Elrohir paused then and once more Legolas found himself defensive, as if he were the one to blame.

"I did not ask you to stay!" he snapped and Elrohir sighed loudly.

"I know that. I have been selfish. I have...Can you forgive me?"

He looked at him in confusion. For what did he need forgiveness? He was not the one who could forgive him for neglecting his siblings. He was stranded, unsure what to do. The day ahead was bleak and his mind was not as its best.

But Elrohir took his hesitation as a reply and turned his back to leave.

"I don't blame you," he said, "Just know that I am sorry. It was unforgivable." Then he was gone.

Legolas fled the city that very day. Running to Ithilien and the remains of his peace and dragging Gimli with him for Gimli had forgiven his cruelness with an ease that shamed him. He had hushed him when he had apologised.

"Be quiet Legolas. I know what was going on with you. I do not need to hear your apologies now. You are not yourself, I am only pleased to see you in one piece and a part of you returned."

It was Elrohir who had given him back that piece of himself he realised and enabled him to carry on. He did not see him again until the day he sailed.

He had not expected him to come but there they were Elrohir and Elladan. grim faced on the shore. Inside his heart was jumping, flying, and excitement overwhelmed him. The sea was everywhere. He could see it. He could touch it and it's call was deafening now. He could think of nothing else except the fact the end of his pain and grief was in sight. He was finally answering the call. He was startled when Elrohir appeared in front of him placing a letter in his hands.

"Can you give this to my father for us?"

Of course, that was why they were here.

"I will do it as soon as I can find him." he smiled.

"You are happy Legolas, I am pleased."

"I am leaving," he answered "and my heart sings, you will understand when you follow."

"Nothing is sure yet." Elrohir answered. "No choice has been made. We may remain."

His heart stumbled when he heard that for he had not anticipated it and he wanted to say more. To ask him to follow, to thank him for helping him find himself amidst his grief but the sea was distracting and it tugged at him diverting his attention wiping those thoughts from his mind. So in the end he simply smiled while the dwarf dragged on his hand grumbling about his distraction and pleading with him to be off.

"I will be there on the shore to welcome you when you reach the other side of the sea," was all he said in the end as if he had not heard Elrohir's words at all. Then he was off towards the ship, towards the sea, towards happiness. He could think of nothing else.

He didn't look back. He didn't see Elrohir's grief. He only saw the sea.

T.B.C.


	2. Chapter 2

He stood on the dunes watching the crowds below. Wind whipped his hair across his face as the sea breeze floated round him lifting his spirits as it did tendrils of golden hair. He was a lonely figure, silent and still, hidden in the sands, apart from the tense gathering of those he knew. Acquaintances, he didn't think he would call any of them friends, who waited with growing excitement. He could hear snippets of conversation now brought to him on the wind but he was excluded.

Legolas didn't mind, it was an exclusion of his own making. He could just as easily stroll down and be welcomed into the throng. He would rather be alone as he waited. He was often alone.

In truth the smell of the sea, the salt in the breeze and the cries from the gulls exhilarated him. Even now when the dragging intensity of the sea longing had deserted him the smell of it, the feel of it, the taste of the ocean made his heart thud and his spirits lift. Perhaps he should be a Teleri he mused and live his life upon the sea? It was a comforting thought. The ache, that dreadful ache from the need to cross the sea had gone leaving a thrill, a lightness inside him at the sight of it. Today however he was unsure if the thrill was from the sea or because of who he waited for.

The last ship. They had said his and Gimli's was the last but he had known it wasn't true. He knew there would be another although he could not say how he knew. But this one would definitely be last. There was no one left to follow. He had waited years for this, waited when it had seemed in the depths of his despair the waiting was all that sustained him. Things would be different now. He was sure of it.

It seemed forever until they appeared on the horizon, a shadow emerging from the sea and at the sight of those sails his heart leapt and his spirit danced for soon they would be here.

And then they were.

Clambering off the ship until they stood tense and strong together, so alike as always. He looked just the same, just as he had imagined him in his heart all these years and he longed to rush down from his self imposed exile and greet him with joy. He needed to say all those things he had neglected to say before when his heart and mind were burdened with grief and the longing to depart. He saw clearly now.

But he held back, he did not rush but stood silent in the dunes and watched, for their family encircled them and bathed them in the joy of a reunion long hoped for but never truly believed in. He would not intervene he thought, it was not his place. He would watch and wait some more...just a little more. And while he watched he hoped.

'Look at me.' He thought, 'I am here. Look up, let me know you remember my promise.' He tried to will him with his very mind to lift his head and see him. He thought he did...just for a second, he thought he saw a smile on that face, a connection of their eyes but he could not be sure. Perhaps it was wishful thinking.

He stayed there long after the crowds had departed, after they had gone with their family to what he had no doubt was a feast and celebration. He stayed until darkness fell then he descended to the sea, pulled his boots off and strode in, water lapping at his feet then his knees. The spray from the waves flew up into his face, his hair was damp but oh he was alive. How he loved this, he felt wild and free. A voice cut into his thoughts of freedom. A voice he had not heard for years save in his memories and imaginings.

"What are you doing Legolas? Come out of the sea."

How his spirit sang when he turned and saw him there. He had come to find him.

"Come and join me Elrohir! Come and feel its power."

"I will not! I had hoped when I found you here you would be free of the sea."

"I will never be free of it," he said "and I do not want to be. But I will join you on the shores just this once." and reluctantly he waded ashore. He was not ready to leave the water yet.

"My Father asks you to come inside. You are welcome there and he wishes you to join us."

His face fell,

"That is why you are here? Your father sent you?"

"No, of course not. I wished to see you, why did you not greet me when we arrived?"

He had not seen him then, though he had been sure that he had.

"I was here." He said defensively, "Do you not remember the promise I made you when I sailed? I said I would be here to welcome you."

Elrohir laughed at that.

"You were rather distracted as I remember it! It was hard to know if you would remember that promise yourself."

He frowned with disapproval, he always kept his promises.

"Of course I remember it!" He had thought of little else for some years. "I was here to see you arrive as I said I would be. Do not blame me if you did not see me."

"I did see you. I was looking for you. But you stood apart, you did not come to welcome us."

There was tension between them now and awkwardness. This was not how he had imagined it nor how he remembered, perhaps he had remembered wrong, perhaps this was not what he had thought? But that could not be. It was all he had.

"It was not my place. Your family..."

"Of course it was your place. Is that the only reason you are here? A promise made years ago. I would not have held you to it if you did not wish to be here."

"I did! I did wish to be here." He felt he should change the subject for this was going nowhere except towards dissension.

"You were right I was distracted when we last met. I could hear nothing but the sea and it was joyous. Was it not like that for you when you left? The pure joy of it?"

"There was no joy in my leaving." Elrohir said sadly, "relief, yes, but no joy."

"Relief?"

"That we had to stay no longer." Elrohir looked away as he said the next.

"Eldarion is dead."

It hit him like a physical blow, that news. He knew the years had been long but it could not be.

"Dead?" Perhaps he had heard that wrong?

"He lived a long life Legolas, It was as it was with Aragorn...his choice."

"Dead..." For a moment he thought he might be ill, it was too much, too sudden and brought it all back to the forefront of his mind as if it was yesterday. That pain, that terrible day.

"He cannot be dead." Why had he not thought of this when he heard they were returning. What else would have encouraged them to sail?

"He has written you a letter." Elrohir pushed it into his hands, "Just for you. He wanted to speak to you just once more."

And he gazed numbly down at the paper in his hands, a letter from Eldarion, Eldarion the child, the young man, who now was dead as his father had died long ago. He would not cry, not again, not in front of Elrohir. He wanted things to be different, he needed no pity.

"Come inside with me Legolas. Into the warmth." Elrohir held out his hand. "There are those who care for you there. My father says he is worried for you."

"Well he need not be." It was enough to snap him out of his memories. "I am well."

"He says you isolate yourself. Since Gimli..."

He did not want to think of Gimli and his loss. He would not spend a second of his time on that for it would be his undoing. Since Gimli had gone nothing was the same. Since Gimli was gone he was lost.

"I am well!" He reiterated, "and to prove it I will come with you as you wish to this party though I am sure it will be tedious." And he flashed him a smile.

He did not want Elrohir to know the depths of his despair. He did not want him to know how much he had yearned for him to arrive. How it had become the only thing that kept him upright and functioning. He wanted Elrohir to think he was strong as he had not been that one night they had been together so long ago.

Being inside the house was, as he had expected, an ordeal. Elrond and Galadriel watched him far to closely and he knew he could not fool them. Elrohir disappeared into the crowd but he did not follow. He had been right, he was out of place here and did not fit in. He wished he had not left the sanctuary of the sea and briefly thought about returning to the waves. Instead he retreated, found himself an alcove down a quiet, empty corridor where he could be alone and there he sat and read the letter Elrohir gave him.

It was a letter full of love and memory and it tore at his heart. As he read tears flowed and he wept for the loss of that bright curious child, that confident young man, and the young man's father. The friend who was like a brother who had gone before, who he would never see again.

...

Elrohir lost sight of Legolas almost as soon as they entered the building. He slipped away like a ghost as soon as his eyes drifted from him. He was confused, Legolas was not as he had thought he would be. He remembered the laughing, joyous Legolas he had last seen on the shores of Arda. All these years he had imagined him thus, happy and finally relieved of his grief and the sea longing.

Instead the reality was the sober, still Legolas who had been in the dunes when he arrived. He had searched for him the instant they landed his heart in his mouth, please let him be here...and he was, up there on his own. He did not come down to greet him.

Then he lost sight of him in the swirl of excited relatives around him but when all had calmed at the first opportunity he asked his father,

"How is Legolas?"

"I had hoped he might be here to see you," he replied.

"He was. I saw him in the dunes but he did not come down."

At that Elrond frowned, his forehead creased with concern.

"I fear all is not well with him but he will not let me near enough to even begin to guess. Since Gimli's death he has not been the same. Go find him Elrohir, see if you can entice him in."

And so he went, his head crowded with worry for what could be wrong? Valinor was a place of healing. They had believed all their burdens would be lifted here. Had Legolas's not been?

He found him wandering in the waves, a wild, fey creature with salt spray in his hair. What was he doing in the sea? Surely the sea longing had gone? And when he called him out their conversation was stilted, everything he said was wrong. He had waited for so long to right the wrong he had done him but it was obviously going to be harder than he thought. Still he got Legolas inside only to lose him the instant they stepped through the door.

Finding him again was a mission but he did and his heart stopped at the sight. Legolas sat weeping, the letter Eldarion had sent in his hand. It was as if he had stepped through a door back in time, back to when he found him a crumpled mess on the floor of the study the night Estel died and it broke his heart.

"Legolas," he sat beside him and gently prised the letter from numb fingers. "I will take this."

"Give it back." Legolas leapt into life with a flash of rage. "It is mine!"

But he stood firm.

"I think not. I will keep it safe for you, We will read it tomorrow...together I think, I will tell you of him then if you like."

He watched as Legolas attempted to regain control of himself, engaged in an internal struggle with his emotions,

"Forgive me." He said to Elrohir at last when he could trust his voice, "It is still so raw, I try not to think of it but this..." He trailed off sadly gazing at the letter in Elrohir's hand.

He was shocked. How could this be? His own grief for the loss of his brother was still with him. He would always miss him but time, watching Eldarion flourish and his children grow, new moments of joy had blurred the sharp edges of the hole in his heart where Estel had once been. Why was it still so fresh for Legolas? It had been years. Had he really come nowhere with this?

"It is not true then." he murmured,

"What? I do not lie!" Legolas looked at him defensively.

"It is not true then," he repeated, "that Valinor heals all."

"That is a lie!" Legolas's reply was a bitter one. "Valinor heals nothing."

"That is upsetting to hear."

And it was. He and Elladan had both hoped their burdens could be eased here. Perhaps they would not and it was all a cruel trick. And more than that he had hoped to find a Legolas who was well and healed so they could begin again. For years he had carried his guilt at what he had done that night. He had taken advantage of a broken man for his own end, to fulfil his own desire for comfort. No wonder Legolas had been angry the next morning and had fled for Ithilien.

How could they start again now with Legolas still as weighed down by grief as he was in Arda?

"How did you stand it?" The unexpected question surprised him. "Staying there?"

"We could not stand it in the end." He confessed quietly, "That is why we are here. After Eldarion we could not watch another..."

They sat in silence then. He could think of nothing to say, after years of planning a hundred versions of this conversation his mind was suddenly devoid of any of them. He laughed the absurdity of that.

"You think this is funny?" Legolas's voice was laden with hurt.

"No." Yet he still smiled when he looked at him. "It is just, I have thought of you often...planned what I would say, and now I am here I cannot remember any of it. It is foolish to say the least."

"You have thought of me?" Legolas's face lifted and his voice softened. "I have thought of you also."

And their eyes locked, he could not look away, it was if something was drawing him in. Then, before he knew what was happening Legolas's lips were on his, firm and demanding. Oh it was bliss, he had dreamed of this and it was just as glorious as he remembered it had been that night.

But thoughts of the night so long gone bought him back to his senses. He could not do this. It was wrong last time and it was wrong now. Legolas was not himself.

He pulled back.

"I do not want this" he gasped.

He meant to continue, to explain the guilt, his determination to fix it, for them to start anew as equals but Legolas gave him no time for that. He leapt to his feet, eyes flashing, his face drained of colour, fists clenched by his side.

"Forgive me." His words were tight and tense as he spat them out.

"I have misread things. I apologise, it will not happen again."

"Wait Legolas, you do not understand, let me finish."

"You were quite clear Elrohir. There was no misunderstanding you. I will not inflict further embarrassment upon us both."

And he turned, back ramrod straight and strode down the corridor, deaf to Elrohir's pleading and as he vanished around the corner Elrohir wondered just how things had gone so wrong.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Legolas ran.

He, who prided himself on never running, who stood firm against anything that life might throw at him, who had fought the dark for centuries and still lined up for more. He ran.

And as he ran he thought, though he did not want to. How could he have got it so wrong? Had he been so unhappy, so despairing he had imagined something that wasn't there? But he had been sure, so sure, not initially but later when he arrived in Valinor, his mind cleared of the sealonging that he had felt something real and Elrohir had felt it too.

Even tonight it had felt real, that moment their eyes met. He could not have imagined that...,,but it was obvious he had. His mind, his unhappiness had tricked him into seeing things that were not there. He was a fool.

All this time the only thing sustaining him, the only thing keeping him going had been the knowledge that Elrohir would fix all this when he arrived. He would lighten his load, lift the darkness that clung to him as he had done so many years ago the night Aragorn died. He had become a beacon of light in the bleakness of his life. Now that beacon was gone. It had never existed. There was nothing to look forward to, nothing to keep on going for.

He did not know what he would do.

Adrift without direction he went to the one thing he knew was real. A hurt child, he retreated to his father. The only one he knew would protect him, would love him always. But even his father could not mend him. He knew he tried but he could only look on with worry in the end.

He did not tell him what it was that had sent him running to him this time. He could not bear it. Instead he sought out the trees. They soothed his soul even now. Only amongst the trees he could truly relax. The sea invigorated him and the trees gave him comfort. So he roamed through the forest letting the song of the trees touch his soul. But his soul was still a battered and damaged one.

It was a blow to his spirits when he returned one day to find Elrohir in his father's study. It was grief all over again endless grief, this time for something that had never been, his dreams. He would not show it though and he locked it down, all the emotion, hide it, hide it, his mind whispered, don't let him know.

"Elrohir has called in to visit you." His father explained,

"I am exploring." Elrohir said with a smile.

So he nodded but he did not smile back, why was he here? To embarrass him further?

"It is good to see you." He replied but his voice was flat and cold and left no doubt his words were a lie. It threw Elrohir, he could see it in his face, doubt and uncertainly. Well what did he expect?

"I have something I needed to return to you." Elrohir held out his hand, it was the letter, Eldarion's letter, and he yearned read it for it captured the spirit of the boy he had known but there was so much pain. He hesitated but eventually he took it. The need to connect with those he had loved was greater than the fear of pain in the end.

"I thought you could show Elrohir the settlement." His father was saying. He can stay for a few days, you will have plenty of time." His tone told him this was an expectation not a suggestion.

It was then he realised he should have confessed all. He should have told his father what had happened, how foolish he had been for he would not have then expected this of him. He had no idea how he would get through this. What was Elrohir thinking? Why had he come here? Since he didn't want him could he not just leave him alone.

...

After he had been left standing there confused, with a sinking feeling that he had somehow made a fatal mistake Elrohir did try to chase Legolas down, to find him so he could attempt an explanation but he failed miserably. It was as if he had simply disappeared.

How many years had he planned this, imagined them reuniting and yet when his chance came he could not possibly have done any worse. He brooded on the situation, on what to do, for several days before he once again approached his father.

"Where would Legolas be do you think?" he asked him one day after breakfast.

"Did he not tell you when he was here?" Elrond looked at him curiously.

He hung his head to hide his shame,

"We...things were rather tense between us...I may have misspoke."

And at the Elrond showed his displeasure.

"Did I not warn you I had concerns about him? Could you not have taken that into account?"

"Things got out of hand, I do not even know how it happened. I want to make amends but I have no idea where to find him."

His father fixed him with a long hard stare, one of his especially patriarchal ones which meant he could hide nothing.

"What is behind this interest in Legolas, Elrohir?"

Somehow he managed a lie although he had no idea how successful it was.

"Nothing beyond concern for a friend. He was devastated by Aragorn's loss. I had hoped to find him healed here but it seems he is not."

"So you show your concern by picking fights with him." Elrond paused for thought,

"It is against my better judgement to tell you this but he will most likely be with Thranduil. If you go to argue I suggest you stay away."

He was effusive with his thanks and made elaborate promises to go solely with the aim of repairing the damage he had somehow caused but when Elrond left the room his mother leaned forward and touched him gently on his arm.

His mother...how good it was to say that, how wonderful to see her face, to see her whole. He reminded himself that she was healed, Valinor had worked its magic on her, she in no way resembled the mother he had last seen when they put her on the ship to sail. It must be true then, Valinor was what they had believed it to be. It was not Valinor that had failed Legolas. Why though would his mother be healed but Legolas left suffering?

"Be careful with Legolas, Elrohir." She said softly.

"What do you mean?" He wondered why she concerned herself with Legolas, she had never met him in Arda.

"He has a long road to travel. You should treat him gently."

"Of course! I only go because I care, I need to fix this." He had thought she would approve of him trying to repair any damage he might have done.

"It may not be as easy to fix as you think. You should make sure you have the will to see this through." She watched him through solemn eyes.

"Yes! If I say I will do something then I will do it." He was indignant, did she not know him at all anymore?

It was as if she read his mind.

"I do not doubt your character my son but it is a hard task you set yourself and you will do him even more damage if you can not persevere. Tread carefully Elrohir, that's all I ask of you."

He was eager to get away so he was agreeable to make her happy. Now that he had her back he wanted her to be happy always.

"I will be careful Mother I promise."

Perhaps he did not think on her words as carefully as he should have.

Legolas was nowhere to be seen when he was met by Thranduil and at first he thought his father had been wrong and he had made a pointless journey.

"I was hoping to see Legolas, I have something for him." It was not a lie, he had bought Eldarions letter.

"I will warn you he is not in the best mood for company." He was not sure if Thranduil was giving him a friendly warning or scaring him off. It was so hard to tell with him. Valinor seemed not to have changed him a bit.

He decided at least some honesty was the best option to take.

"My father has told me of his concern for Legolas. I hoped I might help."

The proud exterior of Thranduil collapsed in front of him as he watched and the King sank into a chair, he looked tired, worried, forlorn.

"If you can help I will be grateful, but I am afraid you will find yourself unsuccessful. It is as if Legolas does not want to be helped. I am out of ideas. He comes to me to aid him but then he accepts none of it. I fear for him."

He was alarmed, it could not be as bad as all that.

"This is Valinor! No harm will come to him here."

"It already has."

That made no sense to Elrohir and he put it down to the irrational worry of a father. Eventually being in Valinor would heal Legolas, he knew it.

His confidence wavered when he saw him. He did not know what he had expected but it was not this. He was pale and drawn, a look of shock flashed across his face at the sight of Elrohir but that soon disappeared behind a wall of stone. Legolas was not happy to see him. Even the offering of Eldarion's letter did nothing to crack the cold, hard facade. Still he stayed, he would not allow Legolas to push him away. He had promised his mother he would persevere and so he would. He could not bear her looks of disappointment if he returned so soon.

Thranduil suggested Legolas show him the new settlement and it was certainly a more pleasant option than sitting, doing nothing while Legolas ignored him and so they rode for days through the forest then beyond the settlement to the more wild areas. And Legolas told him what he needed to know in a monotone, no emotion, no excitement and no indication he wanted Elrohir there, in fact he made it clear he didn't.

But he would not be deterred, he tried again and again to apologise, to break through but Legolas would not listen.

"I have told you there is no more to discuss of this." he snapped. "I do not want to hear it. I have taken your wishes on board, do not make excuses for my behaviour I do not need them." And he would stride away into the trees leaving him alone. He grew very used to the sight of Legolas's back stiff and straight as they rode and he pretended Elrohir was not there. He knew that was what he did.

It hurt, it hurt so much to see all his dreams and imaginings shattered into pieces for how could he and Legolas begin again now?

As they sat under the trees, resting the horses on their way back to Thranduil he tried one last time, desperate for a way to reach inside this cold exterior.

"I promised you I would tell you of Eldarion." He said. There was no reply.

And so he did, he spoke of Eldarion as he struggled to step into his father's shoes, how he grew and blossomed and gained confidence. Of his family, his children, of the love and joy he recieved from them, of times spent listening to stories Eldarion had told them of Legolas and Eldarion's own father while they clamboured for more. He hoped it would ease Legolas's grief to know of the happiness that existed after he left, if he could know things carried on, there was still light and love and hope.

"Stop it!"

The cry from Legolas snapped him from his reverie.

"Stop it! Do you want to destroy me?!"

He looked up horrified to see him sitting there wiping at tears streaming down his face.

"I do not want to hear this. It hurts! Can you not leave me alone?"

"I thought it might make it better...to know...he was happy, we were happy, for the most part."

"It does not help. Nothing will help this. How does at change anything for me? I will never be at peace."

He reached out towards him. How could he not?

"Is there truly nowhere? Nowhere amongst all this beauty your spirit can rest?"

Legolas at first did not answer. He started at the ground in front of him and he knew he was struggling to gather himself and his raging emotions back behind his wall of indifference. As much as it hurt Elrohir to see him weep it was better than that cold hard nothingness he had been before.

At last as he watched he seemed to come to a decision and he leapt gracefully to his feet. He had lost none of his grace and beauty.

"I will show you." he said, "follow me."

And so they left the track and entered an unpopulated part of the forest and Legolas brushed the leaves as they rode by with his hands. It was almost as if they bent to comfort him.

"I have shown no one this." he said as they paused at the edge of a glade. "It is where I come when I cannot bear any of it a moment longer."

The glade opened up into a bay. Surrounded by forest trees, then open grass running down to the pristine beauty of a sandy beach and chrisp sparkling water, white caps on the smallest of waves as they lapped at the edge of the sand.

"The trees and the sea." Legolas said, "The best of both my worlds."

"Surely you need the sea no longer?"

"Oh I need it." He replied, "in the depths of my soul I need it. It lifts me up, how can you not see the joy in it? It is my only joy."

And he smiled, for the first time in days he smiled. That smile lifted his heart when he saw it, then Legolas was gone, disgarding clothes as he went, diving into the waves he disappeared beneath them. Elrohir held his breath. Where had he gone? He was such a long time under the water. But he emerged, dripping wet and laughing...laughing!

"Come and join me Elrohir, How can you resist this?"

He was bemused, he could not understand this. Why did this intoxication with the sea still remain? What strange magic was this?

How could you have the sea longing when you had reached the other side?


	4. Chapter 4

The laughing, smiling Legolas by the sea was an anomaly. As soon as they left the glade melancholy, uncommunicative Legolas returned. Elrohir wanted to do as he had promised his mother, to perservere, see it through but he found he could not. He was getting nowhere. Legolas's walls were insurmountable. He didn't want him there, that much was clear. He was ashamed to say it but he gave up, withdrew temporarily at least. It was too hard and he had no clue what he should do.

Instead he once again sought out his father. He needed some information, there was too much he didn't understand.

"You are right Father." He got straight to the point, "All is not well with Legolas but I am at a loss what to do. I need your help."

"He is grieving Elrohir."

That much was obvious but he still had many questions.

"Why Father? He has been here in Valinor for years. The grief is still so intense."

"Do you not still grieve for your brother?" his father asked.

"Of course I do!" He wondered why his father was being so unhelpful, "I always will but it is not the same unless I think on it. I have more pleasant memories than painful ones. With Legolas...well nothing has changed...it's as if it was just yesterday. He is as bad as when I last saw him in Arda."

"He took Gimli's death hard." Elrond said by way of explanation. "I think leaving Arda when he did may not have been the best for him. All has frozen in time, it deprived him of the chance to adjust as you have."

"He had no choice! The sealonging completely overtook him. If you had seen it you would understand."

That reminded him of the other thing on his mind.

"Did you know he still has the sealonging Father?"

At that Elrond at last looked startled.

"What do you mean by that?" He leant forward in his chair staring at Elrohir intently.

"He craves the sea, he is entranced by it. He says it is his only joy. Always I find him there."

"His only joy..." Elrond mused deep in thought, "But he does not wish to sail?"

"Where would he sail too?...but no it is not like that, it is the sea itself he longs for. He seems fascinated by it."

I haven't heard of this." Elrohir felt his stomach sink at that news. He had hoped his father may have some cure, or an idea of one at least.

"I will do some research, after all those of us from Arda have no knowledge of what happened to those with the sealonging when they reached here. Perhaps it is not unusual...perhaps..."

"It is just so unlike Legolas Father." He wanted Elrond to understand just how much Legolas had changed. "He is a woodelf, a child of the forest, happiest in the trees and now...this intoxication with the sea has eclipsed all that. He is not himself at all."

"Not himself..." Elrond murmered, his brow creased in concentration. "But perhaps he is Elrohir, it is possible he is exactly himself." Elrohir opened his mouth to protest but Elrond didn't give him the chance.

"Legolas is not only a woodelf. You have spent no real time with the Teleri here but the sea is what drives them, they love it and will not be parted from it. They are kin to the Sindar of course. The same people when you think of it but for chance. It could be this is just another side of Legolas he had not been able to discover until he reached here. The Teleri fell in love the the sea as soon as they saw it."

It made sense when he thought on it but it was not the Legolas he had known.

"What should we do then? How can we cure it?"

Elrond stared at him in horror.

"You do not cure it! It is a part of who he is. I will look into this, ask those who would know but it is possible this is what the sealonging was all along. A calling to the sea itself, instead of just to sail. In the meantime Elrohir I think you should encourage him to embrace it. If the sea makes him happy he should go there. I wonder if he should spend some time visiting Tol Eressëa?"

But he didn't want to embrace this alien Legolas. He wanted Legolas as he always was. It was such a dramatic change and when Legolas was in the sea, wild and fey he did not know how to cope. Was it too much to ask for the old Legolas back? His heart rebelled against any change.

"If you care for him you will learn to accept this."

It was as if his father had read his mind.

"It is not him though, it is not Legolas."

"It is Legolas as he is now. He is still the same at heart. If you look hard enough you will see that."

He turned to go, this had not gone as he expected. He had hoped his father would give him a solution and instead he had told him there was nothing they could do, he just had to accept it. He didn't want to, his whole being fought against that idea.

"I think you should speak to your mother." Elrond said just as he reached the door and he spun around.

"I have. I have already done that. She advised me to be careful."

"Then speak again. Tell her about the grief. She may be able to help you accept Legolas as he is. She knows about the changes brought about by healing."

He frowned at his father. His mother had not changed, she had been healed so she could be the mother he remembered, the one she always was. Perhaps instead she could tell him how to find the old Legolas. The one his father wanted him to abandon.

There must be a way.

It did not go well.

He found her in the garden. He paused to watch her as he always did now. Marvelling at her return. He could barely believe it. They had hoped of course, always hoped they would find her back to her old self here but there had been many long nights he had lain awake wondering, would she even be here to meet him?

As he watched she sensed him and looked up from her work with a smile. He cherished every smile he recieved from her now.

"Elrohir!" She was pleased to see him and his heart sung, but then her face fell.

"You are back so soon? You promised me you would not give up."

That hurt, her disappointment in him and her conclusion that was why he was here.

"I have come back for help," he said. "I have not given up. I will not, I will not abandon Legolas as Father wants me too."

"You father would never want that. Elrohir, do not speak ill of him."

"He does." he was adamant she understand, it was important. "Legolas is intoxicated by the sea, he is someone I don't recognise. I went to Father for help, to find a way to heal him, to bring the old Legolas back. All he says is that I should embrace it. That I need to accept him as he is. He wishes me to throw the old Legolas away Mother! I will not do it. I will find him again. I need your help."

"Oh son," she replied, "Your father is right. You must accept him for what he is if you are to help him."

He was so angry, this was so unfair and they were all just accepting it. Nobody was fighting for Legolas, nobody except him.

"How can you say that? ...You? Valinor has healed you, you are the same why can't he be?!"

"I am not the same Elrohir."

He felt his eyes brim with tears of frustration,

"You are! You are, you are my mother who I had lost and is returned to me. You are the same, don't tell me you are not."

"You only see what you want to see Elrohir," How could she be so calm he wondered? "I am not the mother you once knew, but I love you still."

"Why do you lie to me?" He felt torn apart and he would not accept this. She had come back. She was the same. He could not lose her again, the mother of his childhood. He could not!

"Elrohir," she pulled him towards her, it was a comfort long remembered from childhood.

"Valinor did not heal me and I could never have become well and remain the same. There were those who helped me but I have healed because I wanted it for myself, not for you or your brother or even your father but for myself. If you love Legolas you must find a way to accept all of who he is now and help him accept that too."

He pulled back in surprise.

"I never said I loved him."

And she reached up and brushed the hair from his face.

"It is obvious my child. Acknowledge your feelings. It will help him, it will help the both of you."

"If what you say, if what Father says is right then I have lost him forever...I have lost you..." He choked on his misery. He would never see the old Legolas again or his mother he had held close in his memory all these years.

"You will never lose me and you have not lost the Legolas you know. He is in there somewhere. All change is not bad. Your father is right, embrace it, lead Legolas to a place he can embrace it too for he also does not wish to lose those he loves and he clings too tightly to them. If the sea makes him happy take him there. Tell him you love him. Help him have the strength to let go."

At that he laughed bitterly,

"I cannot tell him that. He is barely speaking to me as it is."

"You are not my Elrohir if you give up so easily." she smiled.

"Well perhaps I have changed too!"

"You have, of course you have but you are still my courageous son. I know you can do this. Make him speak to you. Make him hear you. Keep banging on his walls until he lets you in."

And somehow her belief in him made it better, it filled him with confidence that he could do it. He would persist and he would get Legolas to let him in. He sighed sadly for that Legolas, if he ever succeeded would be a stranger to him.

"It is alright to grieve for what is lost Elrohir," his mother's hand stroked his head gently and calmed his inner turmoil as she had always been able to do.

"But do not reject what is new because you don't know it."

And he realised she was not that different after all. She could still mend his soul.


	5. Chapter 5

It was a relief when Elrohir finally departed. A relief and a crushing disappointment. He missed him, how he missed him but it had been too hard, hiding the truth and coping with the embarrassment of knowing he had made a complete fool of himself, leaving his heart wide open before checking to see if it was even welcomed.

With Elrohir gone he went back to the life he had led before he arrived. Helping his father, being a leader of their people and staying in the shadows whenever possible so his pain was not noticed. It was worse though because before he had had Elrohir's arrival to think and dream about when misery descended. Now he had nothing.

He was bitterly lonely.

When it got too hard, when the loneliness overwhelmed him and he ached for the company of those who were no longer here he retreated to his sanctuary by the trees and the sea, sat in the shadow of the trees and watched the sun glint off the waves. He could no longer remember how he had survived in Arda without the sea. All those years and he had never seen it, never even wanted to see it. He could not understand now how that could be, it seemed such a part of him. Without it surely he would shrivel up and cease to exist.

Then Elrohir returned.

He arrived on a bright sunny day when Legolas was at his lowest. Memories plagued him of happier times with his friends and all those memories achieved was remind him of what he had lost. He wished he could block them out, tear them from his mind forever...but then his friends would truly be gone. He could not do that. Into this mire of grief walked Elrohir, unannounced and exuberant. Legolas found his spirits lifted at the sight of him but then he reminded himself he would never have him. It was yet another loss.

"Why are you here?" The reminder of what he had lost made his greeting harsh and unfriendly but even that did not dent Elrohir's mood.

"I have had an idea that might help you."

"I don't remember asking for help."

"No but you cannot deny you need it."

His first instinct was to do exactly that. Why would he admit to needing help from anybody, let alone Elrohir, but he had caught him at a weak point, needing comfort and so he did not deny. He shrugged his shoulders,

"Possibly."

It was the closest he had ever got to an admission he was in trouble and out of his depth.

"Come with me." Elrohir was jiggling on the spot like an excited child.

"I cannot just leave Elrohir, I have duties to attend to." In truth he had none and if his father knew Elrohir thought he could aid him he would send them off in a heartbeat.

"It is not far. Humour me Legolas."

And so he went but he made sure to make it obvious the entire way he did not want to go. It was churlish of him he knew but somehow it made things better. Elrohir took him straight to his glade, his special place, what help was this? He had already told Elrohir of the peace he felt here. In fact Elrohir was the only one he had told.

"So?" He said with sarcasm when they arrived. "There is nothing new here."

"No," Elrohir grinned, "but there could be!" He was so excited and pleased with himself it almost made Legolas smile to look at him, despite himself...almost, but not quite.

Instead he gave him a curious look.

"You are making no sense. Why have you bought me here?"

"Have you ever thought of living here?"

He had not expected that.

"Hear me out," Elrohir said quickly as if he expected objections. "Both the trees and the sea are here. You said it was the best of both worlds. This is the only place in all this beauty that surrounds us where you feel at peace. Build a talen. Move here and enjoy this peace all the time. Spend more time with the sea if It makes you happy."

"My father-" Elrohir would not listen to his protests.

"It is not far from him, close enough for you to fulfil your obligations." He had to admit that was true and the idea had merit, in fact he wondered why he had not thought of it before. The idea of being beside the sea whenever he wished, all the time, filled him with joy. But he did not want to give in too easily.

"And who will build this Talen then?"

"If no one else then I will!"

He had to laugh at that.

"Elrohir, have you ever built a Talen. Do you have any idea what to do?"

"No." Elrohir was beaming now, glowing with happiness. "How hard can it be. I have spent enough time sleeping in them in Lothlorien."

He looked at him doubtfully.

"I do not wish to wake up and find myself on the ground because of your shoddy Lothlorien building. I will build it I think..." then he gave him a generous smile, "If you are lucky I will teach you our more advanced Eryn Lasgalen methods." It felt good to tease, he had not done that since Gimli...but he deliberately turned his thoughts away from that down that path lay pain and sadness. He did not want to visit there.

And so they built. The manual labour invigorated him. His father's settlement had already been nearing completion by the time he had arrived and so he had not participated in its construction. It had been a long time since he had done anything challenging, physically or mentally and it felt good. Elrohir came and went, but when he was there they fell into a pleasant and comfortable camaraderie. He discovered a lot of things about Elrohir he had not known and the more he uncovered the more he enjoyed his company.

It was hard though, at times excruciating, not to be able to touch, to pretend friendship was enough. The more time he spent with Elrohir the more he wanted him. It was obvious Elrohir however was quite content with only his friendship, so he swallowed his desire and it burned inside him.

And then there were the moments when he took to the sea, dived through the crystal clear water and allowed the exhilaration of it to overtake him. Sometimes Elrohir joined him though he was seldom at ease and mostly he would stand on the shore and watch, a frown on his face. Despite his encouragement to Legolas to embrace the sea he did not think Elrohir liked it when he opened himself to it...not really. Perhaps that was why he did not want him?

For the most part he was happy, he had the sea, he had the trees and he felt useful but then there were days when he woke from dreams of friends long gone and ached inside for their company. When his memories felt like a bitter poison that ate away at his sanity and he wanted only to be alone.

Elrohir had the misfortune to arrive on one of these days. At first he was relieved to see him. He loved to look at him, to watch him, to memorise his face. Elrohir would distract him from himself. But within hours he was cantankerous and moody. Today Elrohir only served to remind him of the quest, of desperate days riding with Aragorn and Gimli toward Minas Tirith, days that would never be repeated and he wished he was not there.

"Can you not just leave me alone?" He snapped out his irritation at his presence. But Elrohir did not react in kind.

"I think today is a day you should not be left alone." He said gently. "What has you in such a difficult mood? It was the gentleness which took him by surprise and caused him to give away more of himself than he wanted.

"My dreams were not pleasant ones...memories...of people I will not see again." He had never before admitted to someone the torture his memories caused him and he wondered why he did it now.

"You must let go of this Legolas," Elrohir said kindly, "It does not have to be this way. You can be free of this grief, just let it go."

Later when he thought on it he did not know what it was that caused him to react the way he did. Was it his grief, his tiredness from lack of sleep, his churning desire combined with Elrohir's unreachability? He could not decide, but react he did, with anger and resentment.

"What do you know about grief?" His voice rose to a shout. "Stay out of things which do not concern you! You know nothing about this. Nothing! You will never understand." For who did Elrohir think he was descending on him like a benevolent and superior Noldor distributing his unwanted advice that Legolas had never asked for.

The slap, when it came was shockingly unexpected. His head jerked to one side and he stumbled. The crack of hand on cheek reverberated across the glade and how badly it stung. It took him several long seconds before he realised it had actually happened.

Elrohir was enraged.

"How dare you." He did not shout but nor was he controlled. His voice was ice cold and his eyes filled with fury.

"How dare you say that to me. Aragorn was my brother, not simply a friend, do you think you are the only one who grieves his loss? Do you think it does not leave its scar upon me also?What of Arwen and Eldarion. Where were you? Where were you for them? Oh that's right...nowhere. You ran, left Elladan and I to deal with that on our own. She was my SISTER...and she is gone. You have not even asked of her...how long have I been here now and you have asked nothing of how I feel." His voice cracked with the pain of it. "Well I will tell you. You do not have a monopoly on grief Legolas!"

He turned on his heels and stormed away.

Legolas stood there stunned, almost uncomprehending. Where had that come from? Why had he said that in the first place when he knew Elrohir had suffered just as much loss as he? What was wrong with him? He could not believe he had allowed himself to become so self pitying and cruel.

He looked down the beach where Elrohir sat huddled on the sand staring out to sea. He should go to him and make amends. It took all of his willpower to force himself down the sands towards him. Every step was torture. He did not want to do this but he had to.

"Elrohir?" He was afraid to speak. Elrohir radiated anger, his body language as he sat there was rigid and antogonistic.

"Forgive me please. That was uncalled for. I was wrong."

"Then why did you say it?" The words tore bitter lacerations across his soul.

"I do not know...I ...I don't know." He had no excuses. "I am sorry." He did not know what else to say.

"Do you think it was easy remaining in Arda when you left? Watching Arwen..." Elrohir trailed off to silence.

"No."

He did not think it was easy, in fact he knew it would have been incredibly difficult and he also knew he could not have done it himself.

Elrohir leapt to his feet, his face impassive as he stared at him.

"I think I will be going."he said cooly.

"You have only just arrived. Elrohir please don't." He hated to have to plead but he needed a chance to put things right.

But Elrohir turned his back on him and strode away.

"Will you be back?" He called out hopefully...desperately.

"Perhaps."

The sound of that word echoed around the empty glade long after he had left and Legolas found he had got what he thought he wanted after all, but now that he had it he did not want it.

He was alone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Authors Note: A bit of action in this chapter. I don't usually write action so I hope this is not total rubbish. Apologies if it is!**

Elrohir didn't come back.

Legolas waited, he waited days, and while he waited he thought.

This had been his fault. Elrohir was right. All this time he had not asked how he was, had not wanted any details about Arda because it hurt to hear it. But what of Elrohir? what of his pain? It had not mattered to him and that caused him concern. If he was honest Erohir's state of mind had not mattered to him right from the start.

Right back to that terrible night, the night of Aragorn's death when they had first connected, he had not stopped to consider Elrohir's grief. It had not crossed his mind. He had wanted the comfort and physical closeness and he had taken it...and then left. He had run first to Ithilien and then across the sea. No wonder Elrohir didn't want him.

Who would?

This was not how he saw himself and it hurt to realise he had been so thoughtless. Elrohir had come here trying to help him,why he didn't even know, and he had refused to listen to his tales of Eldarion, he hadn't even asked of Arwen because he could not bear to think of her. He had been content to let Elrohir deal with that pain himself.

Elrohir was right.

Where had he been?

In the end after days of thought and introspection he realised he had no choice. If Elrohir would not come to him he would have to go to him. He needed to try and make things better. He needed to try and behave more like the Legolas he had always thought he was instead of the Legolas he had become.

...

"I am sorry Legolas, Elrohir is not here."

His heart sunk when Elrond told him that. It had taken all his nerve to come here looking for him. Where could he be if not here?

"Can you tell me where I can find him, my Lord? It is important else I would not bother you."

Elrond smiled gently.

"It is no bother Legolas. I am pleased to see you. Elrohir and Elladan are with the Teleri."

"The Teleri?" That made no sense at all. Why would Elrohir go there? He was so uncomfortable around the sea. It was the last place on earth he expected to find him.

Elrond laughed at his astonishment.

"I think they are bored to tell you the truth Legolas. They went looking for a challenge, some excitement, something different. It is not easy adjusting to life here." He looked at Leoglas sadly, "You know that of course."

It must have been Elladan's idea Legolas thought to himself, and Elrohir had gone along with him for he could not imagine Elrohir going off to the sea with his own free will.

"Perhaps you should join them Legolas." Elrond continued. "I am sure you will be welcome there. It may do you some good."

He would go of course, he did not need Elrond to encourage him. If Elrohir was there he would go. He would see this through and as well as that the thought of the sea was compelling.

He only hoped Elrohir would see him when he got there.

The trip was a long one and he was tired and weary when he arrived but Elrond was right, he was welcomed with open arms and no questions and the salt on the air was a tonic which eased his nerves, he had plenty of those.

He searched anxiously for Elrohir but it was Elladan he found first.

"Legolas!" Elladan smiled broadly when he saw him. "What a surprise to see you here." He was relaxed as Legolas could not ever remember seeing him before.

"I could say the same." he replied. "I came looking for Elrohir."

"Of course you did!" Elladan exclaimed and Legolas wondered why he would say such a thing. Had Elrohir spoken to him about Legolas's bad behaviour?

"He is over there, working, as he should be since it was his idea we came here in the first place!" and he shouted out to his brother, "Elrohir, see who is here!"

It was then he saw him and his heart skipped a beat as it always did with the sight of him. But that was not to be Legolas thought to himself sternly, and he was not here to contemplate that loss, he was here to right the wrongs he had done.

Elrohir raised his head from the nets with which he was working. Whatever it was he was trying to do Legolas could see he was making a mess of it, even with his sparse knowledhge.

"Legolas, why are you here?" Elrohir's tone was neutral and it made him unsure. Was he angry still? Or did he just not care? He could not read him.

"I came to find you." He confessed, there was no point pretending otherwise. "and you, why are you here?"

Elrohir looked away.

"To understand you."

That was not the response he had expected and he stared blankly.

"Understand me?"

"To understand this thing with the sea. To see what it is you love about it so much...to try and...get my head around it." He threw the nets to the ground in disgust. "I am not succeeding very well. I am hopeless with all this. Elladan is a natural of course. He loves it here."

"Why would you want to do that?" Legolas was at a loss. "Why would you want to understand me after my rudeness?"

Elrohir looked up at him with a wry smile,

"I have a thick skin."

All his words rushed out tumbling over each other in his rush to say all he had been thinking on the way here.

"I am sorry, I came to apologise. I was wrong...and I have treated you badly...I should have asked, I should have listened...right from the beginning I have been selfish. What can I do to fix it?"

But Elrohir simply shrugged.

"You don't have to fix it. I understand Legolas, where you have been. I am just pleased to see you. If you want to fix anything perhaps you can help me here." He indicated the mess of nets ruefully.

And so he sat beside him and drank in the sounds of the sea and wondered why Elrohir had bought himself all the way here, to a place he was not comfortable in just to try and understand.

"You are a good friend Elrohir." He said to him for it was true, as much as he wished he was more than that, and beside him he felt Elrohir tense up. He heard him take a breath.

"Legolas-"

"Yes?" He looked across to see Elrohir staring, brow creased at the net in his hands.

"What is it?"

But Elrohir simply sighed quietly.

"It is nothing," he said and Legolas wondered what it was he had meant to say before he thought better of it but Elrohir did not mention it again.

His stay with the Teleri was a breath of fresh air. He loved every minute, he could almost say he was happy. Whether he was sailing or fishing or building, all of it was exciting. Every minute he spent by the sea healed his soul. Elladan too was in his element and quick and eager to learn but Elrohir...Elrohir was out of his depth. He struggled with every aspect and became no more comfortable with the sea than he had been before. Still he persevered determinedly though despite Elladan and Legolas's assistance he became no better at any of it.

Legolas smiled as he watched him climb the rigging that morning and thought of his struggles with the fishing nets earlier. Elrohir was too tense that was the problem. He just needed to find a way not to overthink it all, to sense the very depths of the joy that was the sea. He wished he knew how to help him achieve that.

He did not see him fall but he heard the cry. What had caused it he did not know, a simple slip, Elrohir's tenseness causing a lack of his usual grace, a fault with the rigging itself? It could have been any of those. He jerked his head back at the sound and watched horrified. He was frozen, he could not move but it all played out before his eyes in a terrible slow motion, Elrohir falling through the air above him. If only he could reach him, if only he could stop it but he could not.

He heard Elladan's shout of fear and then the sickening crack as Elrohir's head struck the railing before he tumbled over the side and into the water. The sound of the stinging splash as he hit the water freed him from his catatonic state and he was running, heart pounding as he peered desperately over the side to see the inert body disappear into the sea.

He could not hear for the drumming of his heart in his ears. His hands shook as he tore off his shirt and boots. He could not breathe as he hit the water and the cold shock of it froze his lungs then he dove down, down, into the blue but he could not see him!

All around was an eerie quiet blue, it was all the same and Elrohir was not there...but he had to be, he had to be. He kept going until his lungs burned fire and he had to give up, had to emerge in the surface gasping for air.

"Legolas, to the right!"

It was Elladan, hanging over the rail and as he looked around he realised with horror he was in the wrong place. He had hit the water too close to the were others in the water now just as panicked as he was as he dove again, where he should have this time but it was harder now. His strength had ebbed away, his blood was starved of air so when he saw it, the dark shape in front of him he was already at his limit. Still he reached out desperately for he knew he would not be able to get this close again. He reached and his fingers brushed the edge, the softest edge of fabric and he grasped at it. He had him!

But Elrohir was so heavy and Legolas realised too late he had expended all his energy just to get here. There was no way he could pull him to the top. He tried but his lungs felt as if they were exploding and despite himself he gasped and water rushed in. He was lost. At least, he thought as he struggled with his last vestiges of energy towards the surface, at least they would go to Mandos's halls together. He would not be alone there and he wondered briefly if Aragorn might still be there? Perhaps he would see him? But that was foolish thinking. Men did not linger in the Halls and Aragorn would have passed right through long ago. He would not see him...but perhaps his own mother?

He remembered her then, at the end of it all, as one of his last conscious thoughts. Her soft gentle touch, her sweet voice, her love. He missed her.

He was so close now to air, to life that he could see the soft light shining through the water but it was too far. It was then he felt hands, grabbing, grasping hold of him and lifting him upwards. Then he was there, bright light blinded him and he gasped and cried for breath. The air had never smelt as sweet as it filled his burning lungs.

He was not sure of anything then but he knew Elrohir had been taken from him. His arms were empty, please let him be alive... then he was out of the water and lying...somewhere and he could not breathe. He was coughing, choking, still drowning. Voices shouted around him in urgent tones and someone hit him hard on the back. It hurt! And there was water pouring out of his mouth, his stomach, his lungs, it was everywhere. He wished they would return him to that last peaceful place beneath the waves with the memory of his mother.

And as the air finally reached him and his desperate gasps for breath gradually slowed the tumultuous noise around him seemed to quiet. He felt himself relax, he did not have to fight now, and his brain succumbed to the encroaching darkness that was comfort itself. Now he could breathe he had no energy for anything. Even his eyelids were like lead and as he surrendered himself to the still, quiet, dark one thought echoed around his mind.

He had to see Elrohir again.

Let him not be lost too.


	7. Chapter 7

He awoke in a bed that was not his own and for a few seconds he struggled to remember why. But it came back to him, the horror, the surrender. Elrohir's lifeless body in his arms dragging them both down.

Elrohir.

The thought crystallised his mind. Where was Elrohir?

He sat up in a rush. An action that set him coughing and spluttering, too late he realised his lungs were congested and breathing not easy.

"Keep still, slow your breathing." an unfamiliar voice beside him said and he turned to see who it was as he struggled to get air into his lungs. A serious looking Teleri sat beside him. A healer then he thought.

"Listen to me." she said calmly, "In and out, slow breaths."

It was an effort to focus, to keep his mind on her soothing prompts but he managed it eventually, in and out... the desperate gasping for breath ceased and the coughing subsided. He could breathe again.

"Where is Elrohir?" He asked when he was confident he could both breathe and speak.

"You should worry about yourself," the healer said gently and he panicked. Why did she not answer him? Had he been saved only to be alone? Had he been too late? The panic made the long slow breathes impossible and the spluttering struggle for air began again.

"Hush, Calm yourself. This is exactly what I meant. He is sleeping, his brother is with him. All is well. I need you to relax, you took in much water and you need to give your lungs a chance. They will recover quickly if you let them."

It was a few minutes before her words filtered through his panic. All was well. Elrohir was sleeping, he was alive.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed though it was an effort to do so.

"I must see him."

"No!" The healer gave him a furious look and blocked his way. "You need to rest."

She did not know him well if she thought he would take no for an answer. He ignored her and pushed himself to his feet. It was not easy and he had to pause to catch his breath.

"I will see him. Then I will rest." He glared at her when he was capable of speech and she sighed heavily and dramatically.

"Very well then but it will be brief."

He did not bother to answer. It would be as brief or as long as he needed he thought.

"Follow me." the healer strolled off without looking back and he wondered if she took some kind of perverse joy in the fact he was struggling to even put one foot in front of another let alone keep up with her. By the time they reached Elrohir's room only a short walk away he was exhausted and short of breath. Suddenly, insisting on doing this did not seem such a good idea. He hesitated in the doorway unsure of what he would find. His courage deserted him as he peered inside to where Elrohir lay, pale, still and quiet. He looked like death and Legolas despite himself stifled a gasp at the sight.

At the sound Elladan turned his head and rose from his seat beside the bed.

"Legolas! What are you doing up?"

"I wanted too see..." He trailed off, as much because he ran out of breath as anything.

"You should be resting!"

"I told you" whispered the healer beside him, but he stoically ignored her.

Elladan came toward him.

"You are not well enough to be here. When they brought you up I thought you dead as well"

"As well?" He cried in horror and the panic returned creeping around the edges of his mind.

"I am sorry," Elladan placed a hand on his shoulder. "I phrased that badly. I meant to say you were in as bad a shape as Elrohir. He is only sleeping Legolas."

He needed to see for himself. He needed to know it was real, what they were telling him and so he stumbled to the bedside, reached out to touch his friend, rejoicing in the feel of warmth beneath his fingertips and the quiet rattle of breath in his chest. He was alive. He traced his fingers down the vivid bruising that snaked its way down the side of his face.

"Is he?... Will he be..." He could not finish his question.

"He will be well." Elladan said beside him. "He will be as he always was. He has already been awake and talking. You have saved him Legolas."

The relief was immense. It cascaded over him in a wave and his legs gave way. If Elladan had not been next to him he would have fallen.

"You should not be here Legolas." Elladan was not to be argued with. He leaned against him grateful for the support and let him lead the way back to the bed. He did not mind now being obedient and taking the rest they insisted upon. Elrohir was alive and nothing else mattered.

He had not left him alone.

He slept then but it was not the sweet sleep of oblivion it had been earlier, instead he dreamed.

He was back in the water, surrounded by the peaceful blueness but he was not at peace. He was frightened, searching for Elrohir, trying to find him...somewhere...anywhere. And when he did he could not reach him. There he was within sight, within reach but try as he might he could not touch him. He could not grasp hold of him. Time and again he tried and each time the fabric of Elrohir's clothes slipped slowly, slowly through his fingers.

Horrified he watched as Elrohir drifted further and further away. Down, down into the blackness of the depths.

"Come back!" he cried, "don't leave me, Come back!"

But it was too late. He was gone.

He awoke with a start his heart pounding as an ice cold fear crept up from his stomach and strangled him.

'It is not true.' His brain told him. 'It was just a dream. You have not lost him, He is alive, you have seen him." But he could not listen. It did not ease the fear which swept all before it until he was drowning in it.

He was terrified.

He gasped for breath struggling to overcome the horror but it overwhelmed him. He could not breathe... He could not breathe! His heart was racing, surely it must explode.

Desperately he reached for the water he knew sat beside his bed but his hands shook and he could not calm them. The jug fell to the floor with a crash that pierced his ears and sent chills down his spine. He had to get out of here, he thought. If he could just get to the open air he could breathe. If he could just see Elrohir this terrible sense of doom would leave him. But when he tried to stand his legs failed him and he found himself on his hands and knees among shards of glass. He did not feel the cuts on his skin as he gasped desperately for air.

What if Elrohir was gone?

"Legolas." Someone spoke his name through the chaos in his mind. "It is alright."

Elladan appeared before him holding his shaking hands firmly in his own.

"I cannot breathe!" he cried hoping Elladan could help him.

"You can breathe. you are talking to me." Elladan was calmness personified and Legolas could not understand it. Could he not see? He clutched at his chest where his heart thudded mercilessly. Was this what dying felt like? He was no longer afraid just for Elrohir, he was frightened for himself.

"I cannot, I cannot. Something is wrong!"

"You are safe, we are all safe and this will pass. Trust me," Elladan soothed, "All will be well. Relax and breathe with me Legolas. Relax." He kept talking, murmering quiet calm reassurance and he was right, little by little it did pass. The rapid gasping breaths gave way to shuddering slower ones, he could no longer feel the pounding of his heart as it fought it's way out of his chest. He was left calmer, tear stained and shaking on the floor, hands bleeding from cuts of glass.

He felt a fool. What was wrong with him? It had only been a dream and he had reacted as if he was a child with night terrors. He had never been as panicked before, not in his whole life, not even before the worst of foes yet a simple dream had defeated him.

Elladan looked at him with concern.

"What started this?" He asked gently when all had returned to calm.

"I dreamt..." he did not want to admit it and his face reddened with embarrassment.

"About what?" Elladan still held on to his hands, the tremor had not yet stilled.

He wasn't about to describe the dreadful, all consuming fear of the loss of Elrohir. That would be tantamount to confessing what was in all honesty an unrequited crush ...and for Elladan's own brother no less. He had embarrassed himself enough already.

"I was in the water...under the water..." he stammered and luckily that was enough. Elladan leapt on that explanation eagerly.

"Trauma after the near drowning." He said confidently. "It is not unusual Legolas. I have seen similar before."

"I feel a fool.."

"No, do not!" Elladan would have none of it. "Our minds are mysterious in their workings. It may never happen again."

He shuddered at the thought of being gripped by that panic again. He felt sick at the very idea of it. It made sense, Elladan's theory, it made perfect sense and yet he did not believe it...not really. He was not afraid of water, of drowning. It was not that at all.

When his shaking had ceased and Elladan had bound his lacerated hand carefully then departed with more reassurance he did not sleep. The dream was too fresh and the thought of retuning to it was petrifying. Instead he paced and thought as a churning anxiety enfolded him. Why was he driven to such panic at the thought of losing Elrohir? Why when he had known he was perfectly safe? Even now when he was awake and logical simply thinking of it created flames of fear that licked at the edges of his mind.

'Because you love him.' his inner voice told him quietly.

"I know that!" He answered himself out loud. "But he does not love me. It is hopeless."

In the end he made a decision. He knew one thing, he could not stay here, he would go home. He could not keep loving Elrohir. It was tearing him apart...sending him insane. He had lost control of his own mind and if he did not have that what did he have?

He would rather not love Elrohir at all than to experiance that agonising pain of losing him.

But how to stop loving him? How to turn off this yearning that consumed him?

That he had no idea how to do.


	8. Chapter 8

Elrohir had a headache and it was a bad one. He had woken with it and he could not get rid of it. Every thought he had was diverted by the throbbing of his brain.

He couldn't remember much about what had happened to land him here, only snatches of it but the snatches were not pleasant. Falling...falling endlessly...that he could remember but after that it was only disjointed flashes of memory. Water, that was one, and eerie stillness. He shuddered, he did not want to think on it any longer. He knew what had happened of course. Elladan had told him in detail, how his clumsiness had almost ended in disaster for both him and Legolas. He had to apologise to Legolas, when he saw him...he thought he would have visited by now but there was no sign of him.

The door flew open and the noise as it crashed into the wall echoed around his head and made him wince.

"Could you not do that!"

"You still have your headache then." Elladan, to his mind, seemed unconcerned and it annoyed him.

"Yes. Can you mend it do you think?" He snapped.

It was unfair, his brother had been sitting with him for hours. Every time he had struggled to wakefulness through the mucky grey of his mind Elladan had been there. If he could have rid him of the headache he would have. But pain was making him bad tempered and Elladan was a convenient scapegoat.

His brother sighed as he fell into the chair beside him.

"I am sorry it still pains you, It was a bad knock. I will try and think of something else to do." He ran his hand through his hair as if in frustration. He was distracted, his mind elsewhere. That had been an automatic response.

"What is wrong?" Elrohir pulled himself to sit upright ignoring the spinning of his head and the wave of nausea that floated over him.

But Elladan did not answer, instead he gave a nervous glance and quickly looked away.

"Nothing." He said eventually, far too fast.

It was an obvious lie.

"Do not try and hide something from me." He may be feeling less than his best but he was not about to let Elladan get away with that.

"It is nothing you can do anything about. I would prefer you concentrate on healing. You do not need to know."

"I do not need to know?! Something worries you and I do not need to know?"

"Life is not all about you Elrohir." That hurt. They shared their worries. They did not hide things.

"Shall I get up then and find out what goes on myself?" he challenged. He was not going to allow himself to be kept out of the loop. Something was not right, a feeling of dread swept over him. It chilled him to the bones.

Elladan reached out and held his hand firmly against his chest.

"Don't be ridiculous. Do you want to make my life even more problematical? The last thing I need is you staggering around making yourself ill."

"Tell me what goes on then I will not need to get up. Don't tell me and you know I will." And he meant it.

"I am fed up with the both of you!" Elladan cried in frustration. "I do not need this."

"The both of us? Who do you mean?" He knew who he meant, it could only be one person. Elladan knew all his secrets.

"Legolas is gone."

"Gone?" He had not expected this, he had gone...without even seeing him?

"You heard what I said." Elladan was angry. "He is gone. His things are gone. I have no idea where but I know he is not in good shape, physically OR emotionally. What can I do though? What does he expect me to do?"

He felt sick. The throbbing in his head intensified until he thought it would burst.

"He is not well?" He must have misheard he thought.

"Are you surprised? He pushed himself to his limits to fish you out. He swallowed far more water than you and worse than that..." He trailed off obviously deciding better than to continue.

"And worse than that what?" He could not think over the pounding in his ears.

"It is Legolas's business not yours. I should have said nothing...the problem still remains that he has gone and I am not happy about his fitness to be on his own."

"I do not understand," he was struggling to get his mind to work properly. "It has been good for him...being here. He has enjoyed it. Why would he go? Because I had a foolish accident? That makes no sense to me."

"I think he fears the water. Perhaps he runs from it?"

"Don't talk nonsense!" He was incredulous at that explanation. "Legolas does not fear water. He would not flee the sea, it is entwined in him, a part of him." Of this much he was certain. Elladan was clutching at straws.

"You do not know everything there is to know about Legolas," Elladan said quietly. "Drowning can cause trauma..."

"I know enough to know he would never fear the sea! How dare you claim to know him better than I?"

"Elrohir, you have been unwell and sleeping. Things have happened and you have missed them. It is not a plot to exclude you."

"What have I missed?!" He could not bear the thought something had happened to Legolas that he did not know...that his brother knew. "What are you not telling me?"

Elladan did not reply. He sat silently staring at his hands, fiddling with his shirt. He would not meet his eyes.

"Tell me Elladan." He pleaded. "Please, I have to know."

Elladan rubbed his eyes and Elrohir suddenly realised he looked incredibly tired. He wondered when he last slept.

"I came across him last night...he was in a panic, I was barely able to reason with him. When I finally calmed him he said he had been dreaming, of water...of being under the water. It is not unusual Elrohir, for reactions such as that. But I worry about his emotional state...if he is on his own."

He had had dreams himself of being under water. Subtle, fleeting, frightening dreams that made no logical sense in which he could not breath. Had Legolas had the same he wondered. He was in no rush to go near the sea again but then he had never been at ease with it. He just could not imagine it of Legolas...not Legolas as he was now, to run from the sea.

"He will go home." He said to Elladan. "If he is troubled he will go to Thranduil." Surely Elladan was exaggerating the danger and overreacting although that was not like him.

"Anyway we are in Aman now," he said uncertainly reassuring himself as much as his brother,

"What can hurt him here?"

...

He raged and chaffed against the restraints Elladan placed him under.

"I am well enough to be up." He complained, "I can go outside, I can ride."

He did not want to languish here waiting. He wanted to find Legolas. He ignored the pounding of his head as much as he could but there was no fooling Elladan who stood firm despite his many and frequent protests.

Instead Elladan wrote to Thranduil. What he put in that letter Elrohir did not know but he enclosed his own for Legolas, hoping he was well, apologising for his clumsiness around the sea. When the reply came he had had enough of waiting for Thranduil told them Legolas was not there. Not only that, he had seen no sight of him. He had never gone there.

"That is enough!" he threw the letter aside. "I am not staying here doing nothing Elladan. I am not!"

"What do you think you can do?" Elladan asked. "We have no idea where he is."

"I can search for him. I can do SOMETHING!" He felt so incredibly powerless and that was something he was not used to feeling. He was Elrohir Elrondion. He was the one in control, the one with the power.

"I am not staying." He said angrily and he stood and pushed past his brother. "You cannot keep me here."

It was then Elladan snapped.

For days he had stood firm against Elrohir's bad temper but he had finally had enough.

"You go when I say you are fit enough and not before." He grabbed Elrohir's arm and held him fast.

"What do you think it was like Elrohir, watching you fall? Waiting for them to haul you out of the water while they tried and failed. I thought you were surely lost to me. I thought you dead, you and Legolas both when they found you!"

Elrohir was stunned into silence by his brothers anger. He could only stand and watch as Elladan attacked.

"All you have done is moan and complain about me as if I plot against you while I try to heal you! If it was safe for you to ride after him do you not think I would let you? Why would I stand in your way? Do you not understand I am trying to heal you as soon as I can so you can do what you want? I thought I had lost you! I will not let you ride off on a wild goose chase when you are not well and put yourself at risk!"

He was mortified, awash with shame for he had not thought about his brother. He had simply resented the restrictions he placed him under.

"I am sorry...let me explain-"

But Elladan was not done yet.

"Do you think I want to have to go to our father, who has just got us back and tell him he has lost you? And our mother? Do you think I want to do that? Have you any compassion for me at all?"

"Yes! yes of course I have compassion, of course I care." Finally he managed to get a word in but how did he explain the nagging urgency that he should go after Legolas? This endless anxiety gnawing at him that something was wrong and he must try and find him.. He struggled for the words to convey it.

"I just...I need to find him, I know it. I cannot explain but something is wrong...something...I feel it. It makes no sense, I know" He hung his head.

Then Elladan let go of his steel grip on his arm and instead he felt his brothers arm gently encircle his shoulders.

"I understand Elrohir, I do but you can do nothing until you are well enough and he would not want you to. People are looking for him. You do think Thranduil stands idly by?"

"It needs to be me. I am the one that loves him."

"And if you would just tell him that things may be better." They had been down this route before.

"You know why I cannot. I have told you. I need to wait, I will not take advantage of his unhappiness...as I did before."

Elladan sighed,

"But perhaps you make him more unhappy in the meantime."

But he shook his head resolutely. He knew he was right in this. He would not repeat his mistakes.

"Legolas does not seem like one who would allow himself to be taken advantage of Elrohir. I wonder if your memory plays tricks on you."

"You did not see him that night!"

"I was there. We were all in a bad place, all of us. You were just as vulnerable as he."

"Me?" He laughed at that. "No one takes advantage of me!"

"Oh? You are better than the rest of us then?" He scowled at Elladan's sarcasm.

"Perhaps Legolas saw something he wanted and took it. As simple as that."

"He did not want me though!" He objected to Elladan thinking he knew more about this than he. Who did he think he was?

"Well you will never know, Elrohir if you do not speak to him. I think you are afraid, you make excuses."

"I am not afraid!" he cried. The very thought of it was laughable.

"Suit yourself. But know this. You go nowhere until I say so Legolas or no Legolas."

Then Elladan withdrew his arm, turned on his heels and left.

He didn't know anything Elrohir thought as he watched him go...except perhaps he was right about his fitness. His screwed up his eyes against the headache that returned to plague him. But he knew nothing about Legolas...and nothing about what went on between them...nothing.


	9. Chapter 9

"Elrohir, this is a waste of our time. Thranduil says he is not here. I do not know why you insist upon this."

Elladan had been nagging him the entire trip about the futility of their journey but he refused to listen. He knew Legolas would be here, he had to be. In his glade, amongst the trees and near the sea, his place of sanctuary. If he was as troubled as Elladan believed then this was where he would come.

Why Thranduil hasn't found him there was a mystery he couldn't understand. But HE would because he knew Legolas, the new Legolas, like no one else. He was convinced it was just a matter of him searching and all would be well. Thranduil had obviously been looking in the wrong places.

It was a crushing disappointment to find out he was wrong.

As soon as they entered the glade he knew Legolas was not there. He could sense nothing. Still his brain refused to accept the obvious and he climbed into the talan shouting Legolas's name as he went in increasing desperation.

He was not there. The talan was abandoned and obviously had not been inhabited for some time. He stood for a moment confused and bewildered, he had to be here...he had to. He had been so sure. If not here then where?

"Come down Elrohir. He is not here." His brothers voice floated up to him.

"He has to be here somewhere." He replied, not ready to face reality quite yet. " I just haven't looked hard enough. If I just think..."

"Brother..." Elladan's head appeared in the doorway. "He is not here. Thranduil has searched every inch of this place. There has been no sign of him. You must accept it so we can move on to a more useful search."

"I do not know where else he could be. I was so sure."

"Perhaps you do not know him as well as you thought?"

"I do!" Legolas had told him this was the only place in Aman he found peace. If he was troubled why would he go anywhere else?

"Perhaps he is somewhere near? Somewhere else in the forest?"

"Elrohir, do you not think Thranduil has already looked? There will not be a stone here he has left unturned. Let us go and speak with him. He may have some new information."

He was forced to reluctantly accept his brother was right. Legolas was not here and had never been here. He had been so completely wrong. And worse than that, this meant they did not know where he was. Time was stretching out and Legolas was still missing.

His heart ached.

Standing in front of Thranduil was an uncomfortable experience on this particular day. His mood was a foul one and he was not pleased to see them.

"Did you not think I had already established Legolas was not here?"

"I thought you may have missed something...a new set of eyes...I was sure Legolas would have come to the trees." Elrohir tried to defend himself.

"And I had told you he hadn't. Did you doubt my word?"

"No of course not but I know Legolas and-"

"Oh?" The words dripped with sarcasm. "And you think you know my son better than his own father?"

He had thought exactly that but he was not about to admit it. Not standing in front of Thranduil exposed to that glare.

Elladan chose that moment to step in and save him, much to his relief.

"Do you have any ideas where we should look next. We are concerned-"

But Thranduil cut across him.

"We have not seen him here."

"Is there anywhere else he may be?" Elrohir could not resist pleading for information.

"I will tell you, Elrondion when I have information I think you should know." Thranduil was dismissing them with nothing, with less than nothing. But he was not prepared to give up easily.

"I am worried...Elladan says Legolas was not well when he left."

"Legolas has been unhappy for sometime." Thranduil said abruptly, "This is not news to me. Many of us have been trying to help him for years before you appeared here. I do not need you to illuminate me as to my son's problems."

"I only thought to help...I know-" It seemed everything he said Thranduil took umbrage with.

"You know nothing about Legolas or what it is that weighs upon him. If you think we have all been sitting here waiting for you to appear and mend things for us you are very much mistaken."

He opened his mouth to reply although he knew his frustration meant it was probably unwise. This conversation could only get worse.

"Leave it Elrohir." His brother hissed in his ear. But he didn't want to leave it. This was Legolas they spoke about and he was being shut out for no good reason.

"Why will you not accept our help?" He cried, "Surely the more of us there are looking the more chance we will find him."

Thranduil fixed him with a stare that stripped him to his bones but he did not flinch although it took all his willpower not to do so. Then the Kings face softened, almost imperceptibly,

"I promise I will tell you any information we come across when I am able." He said quietly, "and that will have to do. Go home to your own father Elrondion for he has missed you. Leave me to worry about my son for now. I will do all I can to keep him safe. That should be enough for you."

It was not enough of course. It never would be but he was defeated and remorsefully he turned to go. What more could he say? What more could he do?

"You do not know him Elrohir." Thranduil spoke softly as he neared the door. "You do not know what it is he struggles with, what drags him down."

"I do." He protested, for he was sure if it. "I understand he mourns still for Aragorn and for Gimli. I have tried to help him." He felt he had to defend himself.

"That is only a part of it. You do not know the whole."

"Then tell me!" His voice rose in frustration for why was he so secretive...why was Legolas for that matter.

"I cannot." Thranduil snapped back. "It is not for me to tell. Perhaps you should ask Legolas himself when next you see him if you truly wish to know."

"If I see him." He said despondently, "If I find him, for you will not stop me looking."

But Thranduil did not answer him directly.

"You will hear from me when I have something to tell you." He said over his shoulder as he strode from the room, and then he was gone.

"Did I deserve that?" Elrohir asked his brother as they departed.

"Perhaps..." Elladan looked at him thoughtfully, "It is not usually the wisest thing to suggest a father does not know his son."

"I didn't do that!" His initial reflex was to protest but then he considered his previous words, "Well maybe I did but that was not what I meant. I do not understand why he won't take all offers of help he can get."

"He does not want our help. Accept it. Perhaps he feels we are not the best people to find Legolas. Perhaps he feels YOU are not the best person."

"And why would he feel that?"

"Because...look I don't know Elrohir, I do not know what Legolas has told him, or what he has seen of you. Perhaps he blames you, after all Legolas nearly drowned because of you." Then Elladan shock his head, "No I do not think he would blame you for that."

"Then I will go back and ask. I will demand he tells me what he has against me!"

"You will do no such thing!" Elladan held him firmly by the arm so he could not turn back. "We will go home as he told us and wait for news."

At that Elrohir's frustration boiled over into rage.

"I will NOT sit at home and do nothing. I will look for him. How dare you tell me to give up on Legolas!"

"I did not tell you to give up. Will you listen for once? I told you to go home and wait, wait until we have something else to go on. Where will you go if you look? Where could he be? This is a big place and we have no idea. For all you know he will come to you eventually when he is done running and if you have taken yourself off to the wilds you will not be there when he needs you!"

All his rage and all his frustration melted away leaving despair in their wake.

"I cannot do nothing. You do not understand."

"You have no choice." Elladan replied, "At the moment you have no choice at all."

And so he retreated home to an emotional welcome from his parents that bought home to him just how much they had worried for him. But he was not happy, instead he spent his time brooding over all Thranduil had had to say. Did he really know Legolas as little as he seemed to think. Certainly before they had sailed they had known each other not at all save that one night.

He realised he had not spoken to Legolas about anything that mattered and of his grief for his friends, not at all after his one attempt to share the details of Eldarian's life that had gone so badly wrong. He had not asked him what was wrong he had simply assumed for he had thought it was obvious...but was it...really?

It was a shock to realise he actually had not even begun to scratch the surface of Legolas.

He should have asked more questions, even if the reaction was a defensive one. He should have delved behind the obvious and now it seemed it was too late for no news came, from Thranduil or anybody else.

"Stop moping," Elladan chided him. "It will do you no good." But he ignored him. He found himself consumed with worry over Legolas's whereabouts. Where was he? What was he doing? Was he safe?

He was haunted by dreams which kept him awake at night, dreams he took considerable time and effort hiding from his father. Dreams in which he was surrounded by water, it was all around him. He could not see an end to it. It suffocated him and he would wake gasping for air. He began to avoid the sea, rivers, the pond in the garden for they all of them filled him with an indescribable horror. He did not feel safe. It was strange because he could remember nothing of his accident, nothing concrete, so he wondered why the sea had begun to frighten him so. It was quite ridiculous.

And Legolas was not there. He yearned for his wild brightness, his confusing mercurial moods, his calmness.

And he could do nothing but sit and wait.

He could not find him for he had no idea where to begin to look.


	10. Chapter 10

"We are going to Tirion." Elrond announced one day at breakfast. "I have been remiss not taking you there before now."

"And what if we have no wish to go there?" Elrohir was miserable and distracted by worry. His misery spilled out to encompass everyone around him and he could not be bothered reining it in.

"It is not negotiable Elrohir." Elrond gave him a stern look. "I think you may actually find you like it."

"Highly unlikely," he mumbled under his breath in reply.

"You are behaving like a child." Elladan said to him later, "sulking because you cannot do what you want. Are you not curious to see Tirion after we have heard about it all our youth?"

"You were the one who told me I must remain here in case Legolas returns." He snapped.

"I said you should not go roaming the wilds. Tirion is hardly the wilds. If he shows up someone can direct him to you I am sure."

Still he did not budge in his obstinate refusal to enjoy the visit. He did not want to go, he was unhappy and it was almost as if he wanted to remain that way. Doing something enjoyable in Legolas's absence felt like a betrayal.

Still, despite himself, on their arrival Tirion enchanted him. The white stone, the sand under his feet, the beauty of it all...it was almost too perfect yet it sung to his soul like nothing else and it was totally unexpected. His eyes were drawn to the buildings around him as he walked the streets through places he had only read about. And his thoughts drifted to others that had walked here over the ancestors had lived their lives here before they had chosen to depart. He was uplifted and he wondered,  
Was this feeling of joy, of peace, what the sea was to Legolas? A part of it at least?

They had been there three days before he saw him.

A blond head in the crowd as he strolled with Elladan through the market. At first he thought he was seeing things. Legolas had been on his mind so much of late, it was simply that...an imagination. But as he followed the head as it weaved amongst the people in front of him he became more and more convinced and he increased his pace, leaving Elladan behind him as he forced his way through the crowds closer and closer until he could reach out and touch him.

"Legolas!" he cried and his heart was fill with a surge of joy for it was surely him.

Then Legolas spun to face him, shock and fear written all over his face. That confused him for what did he have to be afraid of? Why would he fear him?

"I have found you! Why are you here of all places?"

"Unhand me." Legolas demanded as he schooled his features into a scowl but he could still see that fear lurking around the edges of his eyes. Elrohir dropped his hand, startled at the reaction.

"I have been looking for you..." He said lamely, "We all have...your father-"

"My father knows where I am." Legolas's voice was cold and cutting, his eyes blocks of ice.

"I have been worried," he reached out once again, he just could not resist touching him to know he was real. "You did not tell us where you were."

"You are not my keeper." Legolas snapped, "Can I not come and go as I please? I inform my father of my whereabouts, but I do not need to tell you."

"I am your friend." he could not understand what was happening. He did not know what he had done to deserve this anger. Had he forgotten something due to his accident...suffered a memory loss so he was not aware of some wrong? But surely Elladan would have told him.

"Why do you not understand?" Legolas's face was anguished, "I do not want to be friends!"

That cut his heart like a knife. He did not want his friendship? What did that leave him? He felt he was drowning in a sea of confusion.

Legolas did not wait for a reply as he stood bemused with his heart bleeding,

"Leave me alone Elrohir!" he said bluntly and he shrugged off his hand and turned to make his way through the crowds leaving Elrohir standing there abandoned.

"What have I done?" He cried desperately after him, "Legolas, what have I done?"

Elladan came up beside him then.

"Where did you go? What were you doing? You took off and I could not keep up."

"I saw Legolas." he numbly.

"You mean you thought you saw him, why would he be here? You are imagining things brother."

"I did see him, I spoke with him." He indicated Legolas as he disappeared into the surging mass of people. He was close enough even Elladan could see it was definitely him.

"Did he say why he was here? How long?" he asked eagerly, "Is he well?"

"He said nothing...save he didn't want to see me...and that Thranduil has known he was here all along."

"Ah, I thought as much." Elladan murmured.

"Then why didn't you tell me?!" Sometimes he could not understand his brother.

"Because you would have charged back there like a bull at a gate and made everything worse!"

"Am I so untrustworthy that he could not tell me? I don't understand either of them!"

"Perhaps Legolas asked him not to...we can only guess."

"What have I done Elladan?" He asked, "That he treats me thus. I don't deserve this. Why does he behave this way?"

Then Elladan gave him a cool look.

"I have told you brother, that you needed to speak to him of your feelings and you chose not to. You can not judge him knowing what you know...that you love him, because Legolas doesn't know it...you have allowed him to think there is nothing between you. And now you are upset that he treats you as such? You have no right to be."

"I deserve better even as only a friend."

"Perhaps...but this is of your making. You either speak to him or you live with the consequences. What ever it is you are afraid of, can it be any worse than this?"

He was right, it couldn't be any worse, but he wasn't afraid... Elladan was wrong about that at least.

"He does not want me near him Elladan. He said that plainly. There is no point."

"Oh, and you are going to take that lying down? He is not worth fighting for then?"

"Of course he is! Of course I will fight for him but there is not point fighting if he does not want me."

Elladan simply rolled his eyes.

"You are a blind fool brother, there is no hope for you." was all he said as he turned and strolled away leaving him on his own.

He could not sleep that night. Thoughts of Legolas consumed him draining away all his newfound peace. Perhaps he should do as Elladan suggested, find him and speak with him honestly. He tossed thoughts around in his mind but could come to no decision. Legolas had asked him to stay away, had said he didn't wish to be friends, should he honour that?

In the end he got up. Sleep was not going to find him that evening. Instead he walked, he could not even say why or where he went or what it was that drove him there. Out of the city he went, down the long windy path and the myriad of stairs to the sea.

When he arrived there he was astonished, with himself as much as anything. Why had he come here? Just the sight of the moonlight glinting off the waves made his stomach churn. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to be anywhere near here!

He was about to retreat when he spotted him, in amongst the waves, Legolas was swimming and he was caught, captivated by the sight. Was it Legolas who had drawn him down here? Beneath the moonlight he was glorious, the soft white light shone of him and Elrohir was entranced. His secret watching could not last however and his stomach fell when Legolas glanced up and saw him. He could see even from this distance the stiffening of his body and the frown upon his face. He was not pleased.

Still he stood firm and did not leave as Legolas emerged from the water, oh how majestic he was Elrohir thought as he towelled himself dry and dressed, all the time glaring at Elrohir from afar. When he had finished he approached him and Elrohir stood silently his heart in his mouth.

"Are you spying on me?" Legolas's harsh voice cut into his thoughts.

"No. I did not know you were here, believe me." He said quietly.

"And yet you are still here." Legolas tilted his head to one side and regarded him strangely.

"It would have been rude to leave when you had seen me."

"On the contrary, since you are not welcome it would have been most acceptable." Then Legolas turned to go.

"Wait!" He could not let him leave, and Elladan's words from earlier rung loudly in his ears. He had to say something. He grabbed at his arm forcing him to face him.

"At least tell me what I have done wrong. I do not know...have I forgotten something? My accident... I was unwell when I woke, for awhile. Is it because I did not follow when you left? Elladan would not let me!"

At the mention of the accident Legolas's face which had been set in stone softened, a wave of compassion sweeping across it and he reached out his hand to softly run fingers down the side of Elrohir's face where the worst of the bruising had been.

Those fingers felt like fire, a fire that twisted its way down into his belly and took his breath away.

"Are you well now?" Legolas voice whispered hesitantly in his ear.

"Yes." It was all he could do to reply for his voice had deserted him. The fire overtook him as it burned between them. Surely Legolas could feel it too, how could he not? Their eyes were locked together, he could not move let alone breathe and Elladan's voice sounded in his mind...tell him...tell him.

Legolas moved closer and he thought for a second those lips would bend to meet his. Oh how he wanted that, but Elladan was right, he must tell him.

"Legolas, I-"

"Legolas!" An urgent panicked voice cried out down the path behind them and Legolas's head whipped round. The spell was broken.

"Legolas," a breathless Elf was running towards them and Elrohir gazed at him. He was beautiful, obviously Sindar and worryingly familiar though he was certain he had never seen him. But oh he was magnificent, and his focus was all on Legolas.

"I did not know you were coming here, you eluded me."

He watched amazed as Legolas ducked his head, a picture of contrition.

"I felt like a swim, it was a spur of the moment thing."

The Sindar reached out and casually, gently tucked a strand of Legolas's loose wet hair behind his ear. It was a gesture of such intimacy and love and Elrohir's heart broke in two as he stood there his own love bleeding out onto the sands.

"I do not wish to have to fish you out of the sea once more. It would break my heart."

He watched in horror as Legolas smiled back, a smile that illuminated his face, the love was not one sided.

"That will not happen again. I have sworn it." He replied softly, so softly Elrohir hardly heard it.

He felt ignored, invisible and he did not like it.

"I am Elrohir." He said breaking into their moment and thrusting his hand towards the stranger. They had to notice him.

Was it his imagination or did he see a flash of concern upon that strangers face at the sound of his name? But when he looked again all he saw was an open, friendly face.

"Elrohir. I have heard much about you." And Elrohir wondered exactly what that was.

"This is unexpected-" he went on but Legolas interrupted, the scowl back on his face and the anger in his voice.

"We have finished talking. We have nothing more to say. I am pleased you are well Elrohir." And he turned roughly and strode away down the beach where he had left his boots on the sand.

The Sindar gave Elrohir a shrug as if to apologise and without a word turned and followed and Elrohir could only watch as he caught up to Legolas and threw his arm around him pulling him close. He watched too as Legolas dropped his head upon the others shoulder, the love and trust in the gesture was there to be seen and Elrohir saw it.

His heart was broken, he had waited too long, been too late. The fire he had felt just moments before had vanished as if it had never been. He was bereft.

But Legolas had found another.


	11. Chapter 11

He took his rage out on his belongings because in truth it was himself he was angry at and it felt good to destroy things. Deep down he wanted to hurt himself...destroy himself and the fool that he was. Instead he ruined the things he cherished and yelled out his pain. He didn't care who heard, despite the late hour. He wanted them to hear, to come and stop him, to help him regain control.

In the end it was Elladan of course who came. It was always Elladan who had his back. The only one who truly knew what his life had been like. How hard it had been.

"Brother," he cried, stepping into the chaos, "What are you doing? Stop this!"

Elladan stepped up to him despite his obvious churning anger with no fear and gripped his hands tightly.

"Stop this now."

"You were right." Now that someone was here he could begin to wind back his emotions, cage them and hide them. Thank goodness for Elladan for without his calming presence his anger scared him.

"I am a fool."

"Why do you say that? What could deserve all this?"

"I walked down to the sea," he confessed.

"Why?" Elladan folded his arms around him and held him tight. "Why did you do that? I know you are not comfortable there."

"I saw Legolas," he mumbled into his brothers shoulder.

"Did you follow him there then?"

"No." He sighed, "but he was there when I got there. I spoke to him," it all tumbled out now, all his anguish.

"He has found someone else Elladan. I have been too slow, I have wasted too much time and I have lost him!"

Elladan pulled back and looked at him with a frown of concern.

"Why do you think this Elrohir? You must be mistaken."

"I am NOT mistaken. I saw him. I saw them together. I know what I saw."

"Did Legolas tell you they were together? Did he tell you he had someone else?"

"He told me nothing except that I was not welcome there. He did not have to tell me. I could see for myself."

"This makes no sense to me." Elladan said seriously, "Perhaps all was not as it appeared. Tell me what you saw Elrohir. Tell me exactly."

And so he did. He told him of his strange walk down to the sea when he did not know why he walked that way, of watching Legolas swim under the moonlight, of Legolas's harsh words and the rejection they carried with them. He did not hold back when he spoke of the fire that burned between them, but when he reached the arrival of the breathless, panicked stranger and the conversation that followed Elladan stopped him. He was not interested in hearing more.

"Did you question that?" he asked intently.

"What?" Elrohir had no idea what he meant.

"This Sindar said he fished Legolas out of the sea, that does not sound good Elrohir, think about it! Did you ask what had happened?"

"No..." In fact now his brother pointed it out that did not sound good at all and it hadn't even registered in his brain. He had been too focused on the body language between the two of them.

"So a stranger arrives in a panic because he has lost track of Legolas, says he has previously had to save him from himself. That it would break his heart if it were to happen again and you do nothing? You did not even notice that? I cannot believe you Elrohir!"

"Legolas swore it would not happen again." He said in a pathetic attempt to justify his actions. It did not convince even himself.

"Oh that's alright then." He flinched at Elladan's sarcasm. "The fact he has had to swear to that I am sure means it was not important! You really are the bitter end, Elrohir."

Now the picture had been painted for him he was horrified.

"What do I do?"

"Do you even have to ask? Go and see him tomorrow and check he is alright."

"I don't know where he is."

"You have managed to bump into him twice already. I am sure you can find him." He knew Elladan's disappointment in him was justified. He should have paid more attention. How could he have overheard that conversation and not asked questions?

"You don't understand Elladan." He pleaded, "He does not wish to see me. He will tell me nothing. He will turn his back on me again."

The truth was he did not want to chance seeing Legolas with this other Elf. No matter how desperately he was worried about him he could not bear to see that again. It was a knife through his heart.

"Who are you?" Elladan gasped, "Who are you and what have you done with my fearless, honourable brother for I do not even recognise you Elrohir."

"I am myself," he stumbled over the words, "As I have always been Elladan but I cannot do this."

"I will do it then."

"Thank you." He managed to say with relief. Elladan would always save him.

"Do not think I do this for you . I do it for myself. I wish to ensure Legolas is safe and it is obvious you care more for your damaged feelings than Legolas himself."

The door slammed shut behind him and Elrohir was on his own with his guilt and his pain. Everything was going so badly wrong and no matter what he did he could not stop it.

It was after lunch the next day when Elladan sought him out. He had spent the morning in an internal chaos. Every option he thought of was wrong. Nothing would solve the mess of tangled problems. He was staring into a black abyss and there was no way out.

"I found Legolas." Elladan's voice was tight and clipped, he was still angry with him then.

"He is quite safe, if you want to know."

"Of course I want to know! What did he say?" Then because he could not help himself..

"Did you see the other...the Sindar?"

"I saw no-one but Legolas. He has assured me of his wellbeing. Why should I tell you more when you could not be bothered to see him yourself?"

"He would not have talked to me!" he cried. Elladan was being unfair, he did not understand and it was a frightening thing not having his brothers full understanding.

"He is leaving to return to Thranduil and the woodland folk."

"Leaving to avoid me." His bitterness overflowed.

"Probably. I would not know as I did not ask his motives. He asked after you Elrohir. He wished to know you were fully recovered. He apologised for his rudeness last night. If you had had the courage to come with me maybe you could have received that apology in person."

"What should I do? Do you think I should follow him?"

"I am past caring what you do." Elladan snapped. "I have listened to you as you ask my advice but when I give it you ignore it. I am tired of it Elrohir. Why do you even ask me? You will do what you want in the end and then cry to me when it does not work. You are on your own."

It was those last words that broke him. The idea of being stuck here in this hell without even his brother. He had always had his brother. He leaned against the wall behind him and slumped down to the ground. His head in his hands. He was so tired and he had nothing left to give, nothing left even for himself let alone Legolas. Yet he had promised his mother he would not give up, she had warned him it would be hard but if he had known it would be this hard...

"I want to go home." He said.

"What, you will run back like a child to our parents house?" Elladan's words were cutting.

"Not there, that is not home, back to Arda. There must be a way. This place... Nowhere in this place is home." He did not realise until he said it that was exactly how he felt.

"I do not want to be here. I do not fit...nothing is as I imagined it...it is all wrong. Everything is wrong, even Legolas."

He felt Elladan drop down to sit beside him.

"We cannot go back Elrohir." He said softly.

"I will find a way. Anything, anything but staying here. I must be able to get out of here...I cannot be trapped...I want to go back!." He cried out in he was saying made absolutely no sense, he knew but at that moment Aman felt like a cage encircling him, an iron collar around his neck.

Elladan placed a careful hand on his arm.

"There is nothing for us back there Elrohir, even if you could get us back. All that remains there is the agony of watching those we love slowly die. We cannot take any more of that. You cannot take it. We have to make it work here. We have nothing else."

"I do not belong here."

"I know." Elladan pulled him close. "I know this is not what we expected. I know we do not belong, not yet, but we have to find a way."

They sat in silence, the thudding of his brothers heart played a quiet calming melody to his own.

"I had no idea you were this unhappy" Elladan murmured quietly, "I think...I think you need to let Legolas go."

"Let him go?! Let him go?" He pulled out of the embrace startled. "That is not possible Elladan, how can you suggest that? Do you know me not at all? What has happened to us?"

"Not forever, just for a while, just for now. You cannot hope to sort out what lies between you until you have found your feet here, until you are happier. Then you can help him. You need to concentrate on yourself first Elrohir."

But he shook his head resolutely, he did not want to think of letting go. Even though he was exhausted by it he had promised not to give up.

"I do not think you have anything to worry about," his brother continued, "with this other Sindar, Legolas's heart is as tightly entwined with yours as you are to him. It is obvious. Leave him to Thranduil to look after for now and start looking after yourself."

"I do not know where to start." He sighed,

"We will stay here I think." Elladan mused, "I know this place sings to you." and he placed his hand upon Elrohir's chest. "I have seen it relax you. Of all the places here we have been this one is the best for you. We will stay while it soothes the edges of your heart."

"I do not think anything can soothe my heart."

Still the idea of remaining in Tirion with Elladan eased a tiny portion of the churning within him. It was alluring but he felt he had to argue, to justify his guilt.

"I promised our mother I would not give up on Legolas. I promised her! But I am tired of struggling with the way he makes me feel and I can do nothing right with him. It overwhelms me Elladan but I cannot give up and break a promise. She warned me it would be hard and I did not listen."

"You would not be giving up on him. You would be thinking of the long term. Look after yourself now and you will be better able to look after him later. He will be safe with his people. Then when you are happier you can attack those walls of his slowly, it will be easier Elrohir, when you have the stamina." And he smiled, "You will be regrouping for a final assault!"

"I had imagined this place," Elrohir said quietly, "held it in my head for so long until I knew exactly what it would be like. It was all that kept me going sometimes when things were at their worst. We were supposed to be healed here. It was supposed to be safe, all those troubles taken off our shoulders...and it was all a lie. We were tricked to get us here. It is no better than Arda, no different. There is no help for us here." he realised then that he felt cheated, cheated of his childhood dream of a paradise that obviously had never existed.

"There are people here who will help us heal," Elladan answered gently. "Mother and Father are here, how long have we wished for us to be reunited?"

"Mother is different, she has changed." He replied bitterly.

"But she is well...and still who she always was inside, brother."

He sighed as a wave of grief and loss engulfed him.

"Arwen should be here." He whispered underneath his breath though he knew his brother could hear, "We are not reunited without her."

He felt the tears spring unbidden to his eyes as they always did when he let his thoughts wander to his beloved sister and the low point of his life...losing her.

But Elladan shook his head resolutely.

"No." he said, "If the reality of Aman has taught me one thing it is that she should not. She made the right choice Elrohir. I argued with her that she should sail with us. Valinor would heal her. How wrong was I. Think of how hard it is for us, how unhappy you are. Imagine her here for eternity separated from Estel without the magical healing we were promised. It would have killed her anyway."

He thought on that and realised his twin was right. It would have been a torture for her and for them as they watched her.

"Did she know?" He wondered out loud, "Did she know it was not as we had been told?"

"I don't know, but I am grateful she did not come."

"You are always right Elladan." He said with a smile. I should listen to you more. How do you always manage to be right?"

But Elladan looked at him sadly,

"I may be able to give you good advice but I am not good when it comes to managing my own life you know. I am lonely in truth."

And he smiled in response to Elrohir's astonished look,

"Yes, lonely, despite the glory of your company! Legolas may cause you heartache but at least you have him...and you Will have him in the end, I am sure of it. There is no one for me."

"Perhaps we will find someone for you here?" he said gently.

Elladan leaned back against the wall beside him and softly he murmured as if only to himself,

"I do not think she is here."


	12. Chapter 12

**Authors Note: To _TheModernDayElf,_ because I can't message you...I know...poor Elladan. He has totally hijacked this story now!**

At first he had been pleased to retreat to his father's settlement when he had fled there from Tirion but now it was a noose around Legolas's neck and he chafed to be free.

It was not that he was bored, he had no time to be as his father filled his days with endless meaningless tasks. He knew what he did and why he did it. Legolas was to be given no time to wallow. No time for himself at all. He must be busy at all times even when the busyness was pointless. It did him no good to complain however for all that earnt him were lectures about responsibility and the care of their people. If it had really been a matter of caring for his people he would not have minded but it plainly wasn't.

And they watched him, eyes upon him all the time. Getting time alone had become a major exercise. He knew why they did it, he had been foolish and his father was terrified but things hadn't been as they thought, his intention not what they assumed but as much as he argued and raged about the watch set upon him as if he was a child his father would not be moved and refused to believe him or his promises.

He felt he would go mad if things didn't change soon. He understood their fear but he could not bear the consequences.

It was a relief then a messenger called him from his latest tedious task to announce a visitor. Perhaps this would distract his father from his focus on Legolas or at least provide entertainment. But the relief was short lived when he saw who it was. He could see from a distance, the silken black hair, the broad shoulders, the presence of one of the Son's of Elrond.

Elrohir had found him.

He had run here to hide from Elrohir. The shock of seeing him in Tirion and the burning desire that flowed between them in the beach had frightened him. He did not want to love him. He would slice that love out of his heart. He had feared Elrohir would follow him despite him pleading with Elladan not to let him...and then when he didn't follow he had wished he had. He missed him with an ache that could never be relieved but he didn't want this. He didn't WANT it!

So at first when he glimpsed the half elf standing with his father his heart leapt, a thrill of joy and anticipation ran through him but it was too quickly followed by stomach churning fear, that was until he got close enough to see it was not Elrohir at all.

"Legolas!" Elladan called out to him with a smile and Legolas felt a sudden rush of anger...why was he here instead of his brother? It was Elrohir he wanted...

'But you don't want to love him.' the voice deep in his mind whispered.

"It has been too long," Elladan continued smiling lightly and Legolas struggled to disguise his scowl of disappointment.

"You have a visitor Legolas." His father instructed him somewhat unnecessarily, "can I trust you to entertain him."

"As much as you trust me with anything." he snapped back, why did his father make him behave so much like a spoilt child?

But Thranduil simply raised his eyebrows at the sulky tone.

"I trust you my son, with everything but yourself."

And out of the corner of his eye he saw Elladan's look of surprise.

Pointedly ignoring his father he turned to him.

"Elrohir is not with you?"

Perhaps he was...perhaps there was a reason he hadn't appeared yet...but he didn't want him to be here did he. Why this needless yearning?

"Not this time," Elladan smiled, "but I have bought a letter." and he held it out expecting Legolas to take it.

How he wanted to see that letter. He wanted to snatch it away and devour it and yet at the same time he was terrified of what it might contain. He was torn in two and he hovered, unsure, as Elladan stood and waited. In the end he could not resist and he knew he grabbed at it with undue haste in the end.

Despite wanting to open it that very second he could not. He wanted to be alone and that was a difficult proposition now with his father's eyes always upon him. He had to wait until the opportunity presented itself and that took some hours, all the while the letter burned a hole in his pocket, calling to him.

Eventually he escaped and he knew he did not have long. Someone would track him down. He retreated to his glade, with the talan Elrohir had helped him build, sat on the sand by the sea where he was his calmest and with shaking fingers opened it. What would it say?

In the end it disappointed him.

When he had last seen Elrohir at Tirion he had been rude and dismissive, desperate to force him away...to put a stop the love hidden in his own heart and yet when they had touched, oh the fire, it had engulfed him and a part of him had hoped...surely, surely Elrohir could not have helped but feel it. Surely he would realise what lay between them...what he had said he did not want...what Legolas himself did not want.

He had thought for a beautiful second Elrohir's letter may say just that, that he had changed his mind, that he had felt that fire too, that he was aflame with that desire also. He did not.

Instead of the deep heartfelt letter he wished for it was light, informative and friendly. Elrohir spoke of Tirion, things he had done, people he had met and he obviously loved it as Legolas had not. He had hated the place, he did not belong and the endless stone reminded him far too much of Minas Tirith, even though it did not resemble it at all. He could no longer think

of Minas Tirith without thinking of the pain of his last days there. He had only managed to remain in Tirion because he had known Elrohir would never look for him there.

But his hiding had done him no good. Elrohir had found him and even those brief meetings had bought home to him the fact he could not run from the hold Elrohir had on his heart. Yet still there was the fear, the blind crushing panic of the loss of him. The dream still haunted him, Elrohir just out of his reach disappearing into the depths and he would wake alone, heart pounding, struggling to breathe and overwhelmed by terror. His father did not know about the dream.

He tossed the letter aside. Nothing had changed. Either Elrohir had not felt the same rush of desire or it simply meant nothing to him. It was too painful to read his superficial, friendly words.

"Do not throw my brother aside so casually." Elladan's voice behind him was uncharacteristically harsh. He had not even known he was there and he turned startled to stare at him.

"He has agonised over that letter." he continued coolly.

"Agonised?" Legolas found his voice, "Why? It sounds as if he has barely given it a thought and I am not interested in his social life in Tirion."

"Why? Because he did not know how it would be received nor what you would wish to hear. Do not play games with him Legolas. If you do not want him then have the decency to tell him so."

He had to laugh at that,

"Me? Not want him? You have it wrong Elladan. It is Elrohir who does not want me."

"He has wanted you for years."

He wondered then how Elladan could have it so wrong.

"I am afraid you do not know him as well as you think for he has told me plainly otherwise."

"I DO know him and you are mistaken."

"I am NOT!" his anger flared. "It was unmistakable. He told me he didn't want me. Those were his very words."

Elladan sighed heavily and sat down beside him picking up the letter as he did so.

"He is never very good at expressing himself." he shrugged and Legolas wondered what he meant...what he meant by any of it. Distracted by thinking on it he did not answer and silence engulfed them.

"What did your father mean?" Elladan asked without warning and once again he managed to surprise him.

"About what? I do not know what he has spoken to you of." He hated to think what his father had been saying. Surely he would keep his worry private.

"When he said he did not trust you with yourself."

"Nothing." He was not going to be lead in to talking about that.

"It did not sound like nothing." Elladan tilted his head to look at him inquisitively.

It was obvious he was not going to be able to get away with saying nothing at all.

"I was foolish and he heard of it. I had no intentions... Not the ones he thought...it was accidental...he has jumped to conclusions."

"This is what Elrohir overheard you speaking of in Tirion." Elladan said earnestly. "Tell me of it, as you would not do properly when I asked you then."

"And what makes you think it is any of your business?" He snapped back.

"Because my brother cares for you no matter what the fool has told you, and Estel...he would wish me to watch out for your safety I think."

"And so you will appoint yourself my guardian on behalf of a dead man!" he did not need to be so vicious but he did not want to share this. "I have more than enough eyes watching me, more than enough people refusing to trust me. I do not need more!"

But Elladan was not deterred,

"Why?" He asked, "why do they not believe you if you are as safe as you say?"

"Because they assume it was something it was not!" He cried in frustration, "I just wanted to see her...I did NOT want not to BE!" and in his frustration he gave too much away.

Elladan leapt on it.

"You wanted to see who?"

And he knew he was defeated. He would not get away from here without an explanation.

"When I was in the water..." he began reluctantly, it was so hard to put it into the right words, " with Elrohir...I knew we would not make it...I could see the surface but I could not reach it and water was everywhere but it was peaceful Elladan. I was not afraid." he paused to collect himself. He did not for a minute expect Elladan to understand this. He would be someone else who watched him and doubted him in the end.

"I thought of my mother then...I thought at least if I had to die Elrohir would be with me and I would see her. She was so close. She was meant to be here! I was young when I lost her and all my life they promised me she would be here!"

He remembered his father then, holding the child Legolas as he wept at her loss, stroking his hair and promising him they would see her again. 'She will be waiting for us, little one," he had said and she had not been. He had believed so completely, a foolish, childish belief. It had been crushing to discover it was all a lie.

He had been alight with excitement that day, the day they arrived in Aman.

The joy bubbled within him so he could not contain it and it spilled out of him cascading over all around. He had driven Gimli to distraction as they approached the shore. He would see her...the moment was almost there, all these years and he would see her again. But as they drew nearer and he scanned the crowds he grew ever more anxious...where was she? He had not forgotten her face. He would know her if he saw her. His eyes roamed with ever increasing desperation over row upon row of people.

She was not there.

It had destroyed him.

He had gone straight to his father who stood tall and proud among their people There must be a reason, she was shy of the crowds and waited for him elsewhere perhaps , a private first meeting? But he knew he was only fooling himself and his father tore the last remaining hope from him.

He took him in his arms, embraced him and he knew, because his father always knew him inside and out, what was going on within him.

"She is not here my son," he whispered into his hair as he hugged him tightly. "She is not here yet. She will come, we must just wait a little longer."

But he was no longer a child,

Land he no longer believed him.


	13. Chapter 13

"I only wanted to see her." He repeated and Elladan watched him attentively... silently.

"I was unhappy about ...things..." he glanced away, he did not want to speak of Elrohir and that fear.

"I had not been sleeping, I was plagued by dreams and seeing her, it seemed a solution. She was always good at solving my problems, before she became one of them herself."

He paused for breath and Elladan still said nothing.

"I just thought if I could get beneath the water, if I could get back to that place... It felt there I could almost touch her. Someone found me, I was quite safe, I never wished to harm myself but no one will listen!" It frustrated him so badly the lack of belief in him.

"But for you to reach your mother," Elladan said softly, "For you to do that you have to take yourself away from us. I understand your father's concern."

"I did not say I was thinking logically!" he retaliated angrily.

"Then what if logic deserts you again?"

"My father thinks if he takes his eyes off me he risks losing me and that will not happen. I have told him over and over. I will not abandon him. What kind of son would that make me?!"

"That does not fill me with confidence, Legolas."

He knew Elladan would never understand. He knew he would judge him too and he wished with all his heart he did not have to have this conversation.

"You question my love for my father? You dare do that?"

"Of course not." he wondered briefly how Elladan managed to remain so calm and composed when he himself was in turmoil.

"But I would rather hear you say you wished to remain for your own sake. Not someone else's."

He thought on that...did he want to remain for himself? Was there anything to keep him here besides his father and Elrohir, who wasn't his anyway?

"I wish I had never come here." He muttered, "I wish I had stayed in Arda with the land, my land. They tricked me, they lured me here with false pretences."

Elladan let out a laugh,

"Now you sound like Elrohir! I will tell you what I told him...there is nothing for us in Arda any more. You could not have stayed there, it would have destroyed you as it was destroying Elrohir and I. All we have is here. We have to make this place work for us."

"Elrohir wants to go back?" He was surprised at that. Elrohir was strong and composed, he would not wallow aimlessly as Legolas was doing.

"He has not been happy here. It is hard to find a place we belong, and things are not as we expected."

"What did you expect?" He wondered out loud. It was a revelation to find he was not the only one who struggled to adapt.

"Elrohir expected to be reunited with the one he loves...but it has not gone the way he imagined...to be fair perhaps we both wished for that, and yet here I am, alone." Elladan have him a rueful smile,

All he heard was that Elrohir was in love. No wonder he had spurned him! He had had no idea Elrohir had a love over the sea.

"It did not go as he imagined? Why?" He spluttered, as agonising as it was to hear he had to know.

"Perhaps you can tell me that." Elladan gave him a knowing look and he scowled. If he didn't want to tell him then why bring it up at all? He glared at the ground in front of him and said nothing but his mind whirred on, flitting over a myriad of possibilities.

"Do they hammer on the gates, do you think?" Elladan again changed the subject out of the blue. He wished he would stop with these random questions, he could not keep up.

"What?!" He had no idea what he was talking about now.

"In the Halls," Elladan explained, "Those who have not yet returned to us. Are they there pounding the gates to get out, waiting for us to rescue them...or do they not return because they do not want to? Perhaps they are happy there and we are not enough to lure them out.

He stared at him in astonishment for he had brooded on that very thing himself.

"I have wondered that!" He exclaimed, "I wonder if my mother does not want to return to us. I am not the small boy she left behind. I am not the son she knew. Perhaps I am not enough...but then I think of my father. Surely she would wish to see him again, if not me." He threw Elladan a questioning look.

"Why do you even think on this?" He asked him.

"I have many relatives in the Halls of Mandos. You are not without education, you know their names. There are crowds of them in there."

"So I am to believe you waste time wondering if any of these relatives you do not know love you enough to come back? They have never met you Elladan or you, them. They do not know of your existence! That makes no sense."

Then Elladan quickly looked away and he knew...he had stumbled on to something important here. He should not let this go.

"Elladan?"he asked when Elladan did not return his gaze.

"There is one I love in there."

The reply was so quiet he had to strain to hear it.

"At least I assume she is, for I have not seen her elsewhere and oh, I have looked."

He was horrified with himself and his crassness, his stupidity.

"Forgive me!" He cried, "I did not know! Elrohir never told me ...nor Aragorn. I had heard nothing."

"They did not tell you," Elladan said softly, "because they did not know."

"How is that possible..." he breathed.

"It was years before Estel, and Elrohir...well I did not tell him."

"You did not tell him? You did not tell him!" He could not understand that at all. It went against all he knew of the twins.

"You can say it as many times as you wish, it will not change the answer. I did not tell him, or anyone else...except Arwen...Arwen knew, she was our go-between. Our secret ally." And Legolas wondered if the small sad smile he gave as he remembered was for his sister or his love.

"Why secret Elladan? I don't understand it."

"Because I was a fool." Elladan said bluntly, "a young, stupid, fool and my foolishness has caused me pain immeasurable."

Legolas stared blankly, he had no idea how to handle this...what should he say? He was the grieving one not the comforter. Elladan made it easy for him in the end as he continued. It was as if now he had started this confession he could not stop.

"She was from the forest. One of my Grandparents people, my mother's maid, and I decided in my wisdom my family would not accept her. I was so young when it started. Barely more than a boy. I thought I knew my father and judged him to be lacking. I was certain he would forbid it. That he...they... would say she was not suitable. How wrong was I? I know now with the wisdom of age that he would have helped us. He would not have stood in our way.

Why is it youth blinds us so Legolas?"

"So you truly told none of them...not even Elrohir."

"Not even him. I feared he would reject her. I told you I was a fool. Arwen argued with me but I would not listen. I knew better. It was such a waste, it would not have changed the outcome but we would have had so much more time with each other before..."

It was then Legolas saw the flaw in his story for it surely could not have been like that. He could not have hidden this that well, it was impossible.

"But Elrohir would know! He would have sensed your grief...the loss of a beloved. He would know Elladan! And your father also."

He was not sure why Elladan would be lying to him but he knew with a father who was a gifted healer and a bond as close as the one he shared with his brother there was no possible way Elladan could have concealed this.

But Elladan simply shrugged,

"It was lost in the confusion. My father, my brother, they had their own grief to deal with. It was not unexpected that I was grieving too. They were so terrible, those days, Legolas...you have no idea..." then he looked at him intently, "well perhaps you do...even Arwen forgot, for awhile, about my other loss."

"I still don't understand." It seemed that was all he could say, he was just repeating himself but that had made things no clearer for him.

"She was my mother's maid Legolas!"

"I know, you told me, I understand that."

"She travelled with my mother, she was riding with her to Lothlorien. She was killed when they took her. My grief, my grief for the loss of her was overwhelmed by the tragedy that was my family. They were all so broken. How would they notice I was shattered into slightly more pieces than the rest of them?"

He looked at Elladan in horror as true enormity of it was bought home to him. To grieve with no support...to be all alone in your despair...he couldn't even imagine it. Even in the depths of his grief for Aragorn and Gimli...and his mother...people who loved him had been there. He may have pushed them away but they had been there nonetheless.

"How did you survive it?" he gasped, "Why did you not sail with your mother?"

"My father needed me, my brother needed me...and I needed them. My mother was not my mother then. And anyway if I had come here. I would still have been alone. She would not have been here. I did hope she would be here now, but maybe it is still too soon. Your mother has not returned yet after all. Still it seems we have been apart for long enough. I am weary of waiting."

Suddenly he felt ashamed. Elladan had borne this all alone and he would never have known. Yet here he, Legolas, was with more support than he could ask for, floundering in misery and getting nowhere.

"What do you do?" He asked, "How did you keep going?"

"There were people who loved me. I found joy in other thIngs, little things. Life has not been a total misery, although to be truthful for awhile it was. For awhile that was all it was."

"You MUST to tell Elrohir!" He leant forward earnestly, "You must, Elladan. It is wrong that I know this and he does not. And your parents...They could help you. Perhaps they have heard news?"

"Ah Legolas, it would just upset him, that I have hidden this for so long...and what good could it do?"

"He will be upset, that is true, and not without reason but he would recover from that. It is not fair to not allow him to help you now. What about your grandparents? You must ask them, they would know her family...perhaps she is there? Perhaps she has stayed away frightened she is not good enough?" He was getting carried away he knew but he felt compelled to help somehow, he could do something to fix this. It was so long since he had been the one to offer help rather than have to take it.

"I have been there...it was the first place I went. She is not there."

"Someone must know something Elladan. You must tell them. You must speak to your father at least!"

"You make it sound so easy Legolas." Elladan sighed, "it is not that easy to unburden yourself to those closest to you. Especially when you have deceived them. Have you told your father what you felt when you arrived here? Have you told him you worry your mother chooses to remain in the halls rather than seek you?"

"It would upset him. He worries enough as it is. I do not need any more worry from him!"

"Perhaps his fear would be less if he knew more Legolas."

He did not wish to seek any more help from his father. He did not want more questions and watching and restraints put upon him but he had an idea. He was absolutely certain he had to act to motivate Elladan to come clean.

"I will tell him," he said defiantly, "If you speak to Elrohir and Elrond."

"You do not know what you ask Legolas."

"I know it is what you need to do. I know I cannot carry this secret for you. I cannot hide it from Elrohir."

Elladan watched him with serious eyes and he wondered what thoughts were flicking through his mind as he did so.

"That is not fair Legolas." He said eventually. "You speak to one person and I must strip myself bare in front of two. I will do this...if you speak to Elrohir also...tell him what you think he said to you...tell him what you believe for I swear to you, you have it wrong."

He did not think he had it wrong, and after today he no longer thought the twins knew each other as well as they thought. Speaking to Elrohir about this plainly was the last thing he wanted to do. He did not know if he had the strength but he was done with running and done with being an object of pity. He was Legolas of the Woodland realm, one of the nine walkers, he had guarded the ring bearer and stood in front of the Black Gate before the might of Sauron. He would not flinch from this. Not this time.

"I will then." He said quickly before he could change his mind. "If you swear it too I will speak to him."

Now he just had to work out exactly what it was he would say.


	14. Chapter 14

He hadn't expected his brother back so quickly, but back he was and in a most peculiar mood.

"Did you see Legolas?" He asked desperate to know if they had spoken.

"Yes." was the one word answer he received as Elladan sorted through the pile of belongings spilling out of his bag on the bed.

"And...did he read my letter...how was he?"

"Later Elrohir," Elladan frowned, "I have only just returned. Give me a chance to bathe and get rid of the dust of the road first." and he pulled his shirt over his head adding it to the pile.

"I will wait here then..." He said half heartedly and stood awkwardly as Elladan disappeared towards the privacy of his bath. What was wrong with him? He seemed tense and distracted, not himself at all

Disheartened, he eventually sat on the bed to wait, throwing Elladan's discarded shirt aside but as he did so something fell out of the pocket, a piece of paper. He knew he shouldn't but he could not resist picking it up. Perhaps it would explain his mood?

It was his letter. The one he had spent hours writing, unsure how open and how honest he should be. Wondering if Legolas would even want to receive it. It seemed he didn't for here it was...sent back to him. Holding it in his hand he felt his heart tear apart. What else could he do?

"What do you have there?" It was Elladan, clean now still drying his wet hair with a towel.

Guiltily he leapt to his feet, he should not have looked through his things.

"My letter." He said sadly, "He sent it back."

"He did not send it back!" Elladan was over beside him in a few strides and he grabbed the letter from his hands. "I put the letter in my pocket by accident and forgot to give it back. That is all."

"You don't have to protect me Elladan. I knew all along he was not mine to have, I hoped we could at least talk though..."

He was completely surprised by Elladan's reaction.

"Stop it!" And he pushed him in the chest so hard he stumbled back on to the bed.

"Ow!" He exclaimed , "What are you doing?"

"I am sick of you!" Elladan cried, "Sick of the pair of you, you waste so much time! You have it all for the taking but you are so afraid you will not act!"

He was flabbergasted. What was this anger? Where had it come from?

"You do not know how lucky you are Elrohir...but you will squander it all for the sake of what?"

"What is wrong?" He asked with concern, this was so unexpected. Exactly what had happened while Elladan was away?

"YOU are wrong! You are wasting precious time. What if Legolas had not reached you after your accident? What if you had died? How much time together would you have wasted?"

"But I didn't." He was so confused and he just couldn't understand what was making his brother so upset, they were in Aman, they had all the time in the world surely.

"You can't get it back Elrohir...you can never get it back..." And Elladan turned away from him abruptly.

He reached out to pull him back and a frisson of alarm ran through him.

"Are you crying?"

"No." But the reply was strangled and he knew it was a lie.

"Tell me what upsets you so brother, Let me help." This was not like Elladan at all and he felt worry twist in his gut.

But Elladan did not answer, he did not look at him but made a show of angrily rifling though his belongings on the bed as he dressed.

"You need to go and see Legolas." He said eventually as if Elrohir had never asked his question. "He wants to talk to you."

"I cannot go there! What of the other?..." As much as he wanted to see Legolas he did not wish to meet that Sindar elf who looked at Legolas with such love again. His heart would not bear it.

"There is no other!" Elladan snapped back. "I saw no evidence of him. Perhaps he is a figment of your imagination invented so you do not have to face your fears."

"He is not! He is real. I cannot go there."

Elladan rounded on him again and he could see his face was tear-streaked.

"Go and see him. You are a fool...you are both fools. I have tried to help you but you will not be helped, either of you. I have had enough Elrohir. Don't see him then ...ruin your life if you want, I wash my hands of it...I am going to start looking after myself."

"Why won't you tell me what is wrong? What has happened? Something has happened."

He reached out once more desperate to comfort, but his brother only pushed him away.

"Go away Brother, It is not as if you will ever understand. You have the earth at your feet and you throw it all away."

"I do not want to go...you are upset..."

"Then I will!" Elladan cried and pushed past him to walk out of the door, and Elrohir was left standing, bemused staring after him as the door slammed in his face.

Despite several attempts he did not see Elladan again until the next day when he arrived unannounced in his room, tense and controlled.

"I am going to Father." he said cooly.

"Now?" Elrohir was startled, "Wait I will come with you, why didn't you say?"

"You are going to Legolas." Elladan replied, "and I need to speak with Father on my own."

"About?" He was even more concerned now, something was badly wrong and as much time as he thought on it he could not work it out. Why would Elladan not speak to him? They had no secrets from each other.

"I am not happy to let you go alone." He placed his hand on his brothers shoulder. " You are not yourself. I want to help."

"Then go and see Legolas...tell him your feelings. That will help me, if I know you at least are happy."

"I can't!" He did not even truly know why.

"I don't want to hear it Elrohir. I don't want to hear any more excuses." And Elladan turned away his shoulders slumped in defeat.

"I will go then." he could not bear to see his brothers despair. "If it means this much to you I will go!"

"And tell him that you want him Elrohir for he believes you do not. I cannot believe you told him that. Are you that afraid?"

Elladan kept repeating that, he thought, accusing him of being afraid and he wasn't...he was sure he wasn't.

"I didn't say that. Why would I ever say that?"

"Well he believes it, and I believe you said something like it."

"Why is this so important to you Elladan...Legolas and I? Why is it upsetting you so?" This was what made no sense to him. He knew his brother cared for him and wished for his happiness but why were his struggles with Legolas causing him so much grief?

"Because I do not want you to have to live with regret Brother. It is a terrible thing...I will see you when I have spoken to Father. You will find me there." And Elladan turned to leave.

"Do you?" Elrohir grasped at the thought that occurred to him just as Elladan reached the door. "Do you live with regret?"

Elladan's face when he turned back to look at him was tired and weary and lined with grief he had not seen before. Had it been there all along and he had just not noticed?

"Just speak to Legolas and make sure YOU do not." Was all he said in reply and he strode away leaving Elrohir alone and in turmoil.

"Elladan!" He cried and he ran through the door after him, "Elladan!"

"Go and see Legolas." Elladan called back without even turning around, and he disappeared around the end of the corridor. Elrohir felt an ache, a strange emptiness at the disappearance of his brother. There was a chasm between them that had never been there before. He could not remove the newly found idea that had formed in the back of his mind. That he had missed something, been blind, That he had no idea of what lay in the depths of his brother, and it frightened him.

...

He did not waste time going to see Thranduil. He did not have the patience or the fortitude to sit through formalities, instead he went straight to the glade, to Legolas's talen they had built together. A part of him was terrified he would find Legolas with that Sindarin stranger but impatience won out over his fear this time. The glade when he entered appeared as empty and abandoned as it had been the last time he and Elladan had come there on their search and he stood uncertain in the middle waiting...for what he did not know. It was late and he really shouldn't tarry here long.

"Elrohir,"

Legolas's voice rung out clear and true and his head snapped up towards it. There he was sitting in the talan. Why had he not seen him there before?

"Will you come up?"

He frowned, Legolas looked pale, dark circles under his eyes and his face solemn.

"You sound as if you were expecting me." he called up to him, for he did and that in itself was strange.

"That is because I was. Elladan said he would send you and I have been waiting."

He was glad he had come then. The thought of Legolas waiting patiently for him only to have him never appear was a painful one. Slowly and with trepidation he climbed upwards into the talan and sat awkwardly on the floor where Legolas himself sat. Something was very odd here.

Legolas sat beside him in silence. He was so tense, the tension poured off him in waves and he looked steadfastly at the floor in front of him twisting the hem of his shirt in his fingers. He was obviously nervous and Elrohir could not help but wonder why. At last the silence got to him, he could not bear it a moment longer and he blurted out the first thing he could think of.

It was not how he had wanted to begin their conversation.

"Where is your friend?" He asked.

"My friend?" Legolas looked up startled. "What friend?"

"I met him in Tirion..." Suddenly Elrohir felt ashamed. He had no right to pry into this.

"Ah..." Legolas gifted him a small smile, "You mean my minder."

"Minder?" Just what did he mean by that?

"Sent by my father to keep me safe because they do not trust me...with anything." The last was said with bitterness and Elrohir leaned forward with interest.

"He did not seem to be just a minder." He couldn't resist finding out the truth of it.

"Because he is not just that." Legolas looked him in the eye for the first time. "He is my uncle, my father's brother. I forget you would not have met him but you have heard of his existence surely?"

"Your uncle?...Your uncle?" He knew he was repeating himself but he could not help it. The Sindar was his uncle...not a lover after all. How could he have been so foolish! But oh...this was good news indeed!

"Yes. I said that." Legolas gave him a strange look. "He died beside my Grandfather. Did they tell you so little of our part in the Last Alliance that they didn't even mention that?"

"No...I knew...I knew Thranduil had a brother... I knew he died there...but...Legolas, in Tirion...I thought you loved him."

"I DO love him." Legolas gave him a look of confusion. "He is my uncle, of course I love him and he, me. He at least has returned to us." and at that he looked swiftly away although Elrohir imagined there was a catch in his voice.

"I am pleased though," Legolas continued quickly, "that he was here to greet my father when he arrived. It helped...it helped with his disappointment."

He wondered what disappointment Legolas might mean but before he could prod further something flashed through his mind, something Legolas had just said and he remembered Elladan pouring scorn on him before for not listening...not caring.

"Were they right?" He asked urgently,

"Who? What do you mean?"

"Your father...your uncle...were they right when they thought they needed to keep you safe? Were they right not to trust you?"

"Hmm," Legolas went back to fiddling with his shirt anxiously, avoiding his eyes, "Perhaps...but I am safe and well now and they still do not believe it."

Legolas took a deep breath then as if he prepared himself for something unpleasant, something he did not want to say.

"I have promised I will speak honestly." He said, and Elrohir felt a rush of gut wrenching anxiety.

"Elrohir...I cannot do this any longer."

"Do what? You cannot do what?" Alarm rushed through him for what could he mean?

"I cannot be friends with you."

"What?" This was not what he had expected just moments ago. It seems he should not have wasted time worrying about Legolas's supposed Sindar lover when Legolas did not even want him for himself anyway...not even for a friend.

"Don't say that!"

He wanted to cover his ears...to block out what he was hearing but Legolas rushed on, the words tumbling out of him in a cascade or confession.

"I understand..." he said, "I understand you don't want me that way. I respect that, but it is too hard for me Elrohir, because I love you. It is tearing me apart being with you but never being able to have you, not truly, not in the way I wish. I have tried but I cannot... It is not your fault...It is mine. I have to let you go if I am to be well and I want to be well."

"No!" he leapt to his feet in distress. "No! You do NOT understand," he cried. "You cannot let me go...you cannot. Please Legolas!"

"I can't do it Elrohir...please try and understand. I have tried-"

"You cannot let me go because I love YOU!"

And he watched as Legolas's face drained of colour,

"You do not. You told me...you told me you didn't want me the night you arrived."

He frowned in concentration as he filtered through his memories of that night,

"You have it all wrong. I said I didn't want this...I wanted to do things right, I took advantage of you once...after Aragorn...It was wrong, I didn't want to do that again and you were so unhappy...Eldarion...his letter. It was happening again and things were supposed to be different. You were supposed to be healed. I promised myself I would not use you so again."

Before his eyes Legolas shut down, his face closed over and his eyes were hooded.

"No one takes advantage of me Elrohir. I took what I needed...what I wanted that night. No one uses me."

He was confused now for this response was not what he had anticipated. Had Legolas not just told him that he loved him?

"I thought I had...that was how it felt to me..."

He did not know now what it was Legolas wanted from him and desperately he grasped at his hands and drew them towards him. Was it his imagination or was Legolas shaking?

"Can we start again? Please don't put me aside, there is no need for it. Friendship is not enough for either of us. I love you...I love you too..." and he realised then at that moment that it was true what he had heard, what Legolas had said, that he loved him also. Elladan had been right all along.

"I have made a mess of this Legolas. Please say we can try again."

"Let go! Do not touch me!" Legolas yanked his hands out of his grasp and pushed him away as he struggled to his feet.

"Stay away." he backed himself against the wall.

Elrohir was more confused than he thought he had ever been.

"Is this not what you wanted?" his hands dropped limply to his side. Had he misread everything again? It was almost as if Legolas was afraid of him as he stood pressed as far away from Elrohir as he could get, chest heaving, hands shaking, his eyes darted around the talan for an escape route.

"I need to think." Legolas said at last in a voice that was strangled and trembling. "This is too much. I need to think." And he bolted...down the ladder to the grass below.

"Legolas!" Elrohir began to descend, he could not let him get away this time.

"Stay there!" Legolas cried, "Let me be. I will sleep under the stars tonight. Stay there Elrohir please! Just leave me alone now."

And something in the desperation of his voice made Elrohir stop, made him not follow but remain where he was for he suddenly realised if he pushed too hard now he may lose him forever. He did not understand however and he watched as Legolas withdrew, into the shadows and underneath the trees. He did not leave the glade, he did not go out of sight but as far as Elrohir was concerned they were further apart than ever.


	15. Chapter 15

The dream came that night. Endless suffocating water everywhere, weighing him down forcing its way into his lungs, sucking the life out of him. He woke with a start, breathless, gasping for air and terrified.

It frustrated him. Why did he dream like this? He could remember so little of his accident so why did it emerge to torment him with these dreams?

He could not sleep after that, the possibility of returning to the midst of the dream meant all chance of sleep had fled, so instead he lay gazing at the stars through the leaves above his head and thinking of Legolas. Eventually his thoughts were disturbed by the faintest of sounds and he frowned in concentration. Was it the vestiges of the dream haunting him or simply the waves below lapping on the shore. Curiosity got the better of him. He had to see what it was.

Slowly he descended to the ground. There in the moonlight was Legolas swimming in the sea. That had been the noise he heard. He stood and watched because he could and marvelled at his beauty, the way the moonlight made the water sparkle as it slipped across his skin, the glow of his hair as it floated through the water. He drank in every moment of the vision he could before Legolas sensed he was there and stood, breaking the magic.

"Elrohir..." He said and Elrohir braced himself for more panic, another round of accusations of spying perhaps but Legolas had calmed himself it seemed and instead he smiled,

"Will you join me?"

It was the last thing he expected and he froze for he could not do it. He could not go into that water.

His silence did not faze Legolas who simply held out his hand in encouragement.

"The water is warm, you will enjoy it I promise."

He wanted to...oh how he wanted to but there was a wall of fear between him and the sea.

"I cannot Legolas." He shook his head, "I cannot do it."

Legolas looked at him carefully and he imagined his eyes saw right to the heart of him, then he tilted his head in confusion.

"You are afraid." It was not a question but a statement of fact.

"I am sorry." He felt so foolish now and ridiculous. "The water... I have dreams...I do not remember the accident but in my dreams I am drowning and I cannot breathe. I can't come in...I can't come near it." As if to illustrate the point he took a step backwards, anything to get away from that water.

"I am here. I will keep you safe." Legolas reached his hand out again towards him and he torn,

"Trust me Elrohir...trust me."

He wanted to, he really did. He wanted to take that hand. It seemed so long since they had touched. Tentatively he took a step forward and then another until the water lapped about his ankles.

"Elrohir..." Legolas smiled widely, "you need to take off your clothes." He looked down at himself, what an idiot, what had he been thinking?

"You could say," Legolas continued his eyes sparkling with amusement, "that was where you went wrong last time." He could not resist smiling back at him, it was irresistible.

He turned and struggled out of his clothing the whole time feeling Legolas's eyes burning into him as if he was memorising every muscle. He was in a rush, he had to do this before he lost his nerve, before he thought any more deeply about the reality of stepping in to that water. Even so he felt his heart hammering in his chest as the water crept ever upwards and every step was an agony. He feet were like lead but he focused on Legolas's hand reaching out to him and swallowed down his fear. Still when Legolas leaned over and closed the last few inches that lay between them he grasped at that hand with panic and desperation but Legolas laced his fingers through his own so they were intertwined with a grip of steel.

"It is alright," he said softly, "the sea is calm, it will not harm you. I will not let you fall." And in that moment he believed him.

"It is foolish," he tried to explain his irrational fear. "I know it makes no sense, I know that I am safe but the fear consumes my commonsense."

Although he kept his tight grip on his hand Legolas looked away, his eyes sliding off to the side and Elrohir sighed. He must think him a childish fool.

"I don't know why it is this way," He said trying to defend himself.

Legolas glanced up at that.

"I am afraid also," he murmered.

He remembered then Elladan surmising Legolas might fear the water just after he disappeared.

"Of the sea?" It made no earthly sense for Legolas was standing there giving no indication the sea was anything but a source of joy for him.

There was a shake of the head.

"I too have dreams which plague me," Legolas continued. "I search for you, in the water. I see you, touch you, but always you are too far away. You slip though my fingers and in the end...you are lost to me." he gave a shudder. "I cannot breathe, I cannot think, I cannot ..." He trailed off in distress.

And suddenly Elrohir saw the truth.

"When Elladan found you, before you left...it was after that dream?"

His brothers description of blind panic flashed through his mind.

"Yes. I am afraid I will lose you..." He gave a bitter laugh. "It is ironic really since I do not even have you in the first place. Forgive my behaviour earlier. I had not expected you to say...what you said. I was overwhelmed... terrified..."

"That is why you ran! That is why you disappeared to Tirion!"

It was a revelation.

He did not know what to do, he could not promise to never leave, that was impossible.

"I cannot promise you will never lose me Legolas." He said, "I would if I could but I do not know what lies around the corner for me. I can promise...I CAN promise I will always return, I will not stay away. I will break down the very doors of Mandos's Halls to reach you if I must. I will hunt along every shore to find you."

"You say that now," Legolas said sadly, "But perhaps if you were in the Halls I would no longer be enough." It was an odd thing to say and he frowned in response.

"How could you ever not be enough?"

Legolas dropped his head to look into the water, the fingers of his free hand drifted through it, dancing amongst the gentle waves as if the touch of the sea would calm him.

He was so different from the Legolas he had known before, the Legolas he had watched for so long in Arda. He felt he no longer knew him...or had he never known him in the first place?

"You have changed." He blurted it out before thinking and as soon as he said it he wished he could take it back.

Legolas lifted his eyes and met his gaze,

"I have changed. I do not deny it. Can you still love me despite it?"

He did not need so much as a second to think on his reply.

"Of course! Not despite it...because of it."

He barely had time to draw breath when Legolas's lips met his, insistant and demanding they reignited the fire within him and took his breath away.

He was left gasping when Legolas drew back and smiled wickedly,

"That is to leave you in no doubt it is not you taking advantage this time. I am in control here Elrohir. Shall we do this?"

It was all he could do to nod yes. His head was spinning, this was not what he expected when he came down from his bed in the trees.

"Good." Legolas replied and suddenly he looked very dangerous. Elrohir began to wonder exactly what he had got himself into.

"But not here." Legolas continued, "I want you to enjoy this and here you are too tense...maybe another day I will show you what fun we can have in the water. Today I think we will stick to the shore." And he lead him by the hand back to the sands and up into the trees.

Elrohir could do nothing but follow...and at that moment he could think of nothing he would rather do.

...

The sun lit golden highlights through Legolas's hair as he lay sleeping and Elrohir could not take his eyes from it. He reached out to touch...was it truly as soft as he remembered it? Was he really here? He remembered that first night they had spent together, the night of Aragorn's death and in the morning he had rushed away and Legolas had seemed detached,

consumed by the sea. What was he saying, he was still consumed by the sea.

At his touch on his hair Legolas's eyes blinked slowly and his head turned to gaze at him.

"It is true," he said, "you are here."

"Is that a good thing?" Elrohir was unsure. He had been swept off his feet and he had not anticipated it but in the cold light of day Did Legolas regret? Was it just a spell of the sea and the moonlight which had worked it's magic on them last night.

But Legolas's face lit up with a smile more beautiful than any he had seen before.

"It is beyond good," he said and pulled himself to sit.

"Last time you had to leave, this time we will savour this I think." And Elrohir was amazed, could it be he was thinking of the exact same hour in their past as he had.

He felt compelled to reach out to touch his face.

"I want to take away all your pain," he murmered for he knew Legolas still had pain aplenty lurking in his depths.

But Legolas took his hand into his own.

"You cannot do that."

"I can! Let me try," He was adamant, he would be able to help him, he must!

"I must do it myself, I see that now. It has to come from me and it will not be easy, truthfully I do not even know where to start, so long have I floundered in this grief...but this will make me stronger." It was the softest of smiles Legolas bestowed on him then.

Legolas frowned then at an internal thought and suddenly his demeanour, which had been light and euphoric became solemn. He leaned forward to look Elrohir in the eye.

"Have you spoken to Elladan?"

Elrohir did not want to be talking about Elladan now.

"He sent me here. He told me you wished to see me."

"But what else did he say? Did he speak to you of anything...important?

"What do you mean Legolas? Why this talk of Elladan of all people? He spoke to me of you, that is all. What happened here? He was not himself when he returned."

Legolas paled at that.

"Not himself? How so? Where is he?"

"He has gone to see Father." Suddenly Elrohir began to feel uneasy. An uncomfortable feeling churned in his stomach, had he missed something? Why was Legolas suddenly so concerned? What was going on with Elladan?

"You must go to him!" You must go to him now and make him speak to you!" Legolas was agitated and this made Elrohir increasingly anxious.

"About what?" If he was honest with himself he didn't want to go. He wanted to stay here...with Legolas whom he had only just discovered. Why would he want to leave him?

"What is so important I must go? He is with my father, he will be quite safe. It will wait surely, this mystery we need to discuss. I want to stay here with you Legolas, at least one day. I will go to Elladan tomorrow. Last time..." he hesitated about mentioning Aragorn, the last thing he wanted was to unleash another torrent of grief, "Last time we...last time I left hurridly, I do not want to do that again."

But Legolas rose to his feet,

"Then we both will go. I will come with you but you must speak to him. It is important Elrohir!"

"Then tell me what the problem is since you obviously know. Tell me."

But Legolas shook his head,

"Elladan must tell you. It has to be him who does."

It was then his blood began to run cold, all his euphoria and wellbeing drained away for what could be so important?

It could not be good. He remembered Elladan as he had been when he last saw him, angry and volatile.

It was not like Elladan.

It was not Elladan at all.


	16. Chapter 16

**Authors Note:** This update is especially for Nyx Thranduillion ...since you asked so nicely! Only one more chapter to go after this one!

His father came out to greet them on their arrival and he was welcoming and effusive to both Legolas and himself but of Elladan there was no sign, not there, and not inside later when he went to his room. Eventually he sought his father out.

"Where is Elladan? He told me he would be coming here when he left Tirion." A feeling of unease settled in his stomach due in no small part to Legolas's determined insistence he must see his brother.

"He is here Elrohir, search him out. He needs to speak with you."

"So Legolas says, but what is so important Father? Is he well? When last I saw him he was...not himself" It worried him, how distressed Elladan had been in Tirion, how unlike his calm self.

Elrond sighed, "He is well enough, or will be, I hope. He needs you Elrohir. If he will not speak clearly with you, you must make him."

His father would say nothing else, even though he pressed him and so he retreated to the gardens in search of his brother. He took some finding, but eventually he stumbled across him, as far from the house as was possible.

"Elladan!" He ran towards him when he spotted him and was rewarded by a small smile on his brothers somber face. "I have been looking everywhere for you!"

"I heard you were here, and with Legolas no less," Elladan sounded cautious and perhaps with good cause. "How are things? Did you speak to him?"

"I did!" His joy when he thought of Legolas was all consuming, he could not contain it. "We have both admitted things...perhaps we should have said some time ago. We are starting again. Things are well Brother! I understand him better I think. He loves me!"

"How could he not?" Elladan smiled, "You are so loveable."

"And you?" Elrohir took advantage of the lightening of his brothers expression to push for information.

"How was your talk with Father? Did he help you for it seemed you needed it."

And Elladan's face closed down before his eyes.

"Yes it was helpful," was all he would say.

"Father says I should talk to you. He advises me to persist until you tell me whatever it is that has been bothering you...and Legolas does as well...what is it?"

"Nothing," Elladan avoided his eyes and he didn't believe him.

"I am not a fool Elladan. You may think me one but it is not so."

Elladan's shoulders slumped,

"If you really want to hear it you should sit... it is a long story,"

And so he sat and his brother was right, it was a long story and one he struggled to believe. He listened as Elladan told him of a lost love, a love he didn't even know existed..., a loss he had been completely unaware of.

It left him speechless, a chaos of emotion. His heart bled for his brother, all that time, and none of them knew. What would be it be like to lose Legolas? He could not imagine it. He was full of self recrimination, how did he not know this? How did he not see it?

And then there was the anger and the anger won out.

He leapt to his feet and paced up and down in front of his brother.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" He cried, "Why do I only know this now?"

"I am sorry, Elrohir, I was afraid you would reject her."

"That is not fair!" he swung around, eyes flashing, "What have I ever done to deserve that? As if I would ever reject ANYONE you loved! Is that what you think of me?"

"No," Elladan held up his hands in supplication, "No, of course not. I was wrong...I don't even know why.."

"I do not know you. Has our whole life been a lie? You are not the Elladan I thought you were. All this time...where is my brother, the brother I thought I had?"

"I am," Elladan stood and took his hands, "I am still the same, I am still Elladan."

"You are not MY Elladan. Did he ever exist?" He pulled his hands away. "And Legolas knows this? Legolas? Before me!"

"By accident, Elrohir, and only recently. I did not mean to tell him, I was trying to help you,"

"This is too much Elladan...I need to think." He swung on his heels and ran, away from his brother whose newly discovered grief made him feel so wretched, such a failure, for whatever wrong Elladan had done him by keeping this secret he should still have known...he should have known!

He ran down to the sea, not because it was a place of respite, it wasn't, he hated it still, but because he knew he would find Legolas there and he did. He was there, wandering amongst the shallows, spray in his hair. He heard Elrohir coming and looked up, walking towards him with a smile until he got close enough to see his face.

"What is wrong?" and he lifted up a hand to gently stroke Elrohir's face.

"I have been talking to Elladan." His voice was more bitter than he had intended, none of this was Legolas's fault.

But Legolas did not react to that. Instead he stood and gazed at him, head to one side as he pondered on something.

"So he has told you... then why are you here?"

"I needed to see you."

"You should be with him, not me."

"He has lied to me! For years Legolas! This is so big that I can't... I can't...what he thinks of me...the person he must have thought me to be to keep this from me. Am I so judgemental I would reject his lover because of her status? I would not. I would never!"

Legolas took his hands then and held them for they were shaking with his anger.

"He has wronged you, yes, but this is not about you Elrohir. It is about him. He has suffered alone, by choice I know, but still alone. I have lost many and it has been hard but I cannot imagine doing it on my own. I cannot imagine it Elrohir."

Elrohir was overtaken by a wave of shame, he had left his brother alone.

"Go to him," Legolas urged, "Put your hurt aside, you can deal with it later. Go to him now and give him all the love I know you would have given him all these years he had given you the chance."

"He is right," he said in horror. "I am as bad as he obviously thinks I am."

But Legolas shook his head,

"You are not. You are beautiful, caring, loving, and he needs you because he loves you, As I need you because I love you."

It was good to hear those words, unasked for, he had waited a long time to hear them.

"Go!" Legolas smiled as he gave him a gentle shove. "Go and be the brother I know you want to be. I will find you later and we can talk then about how hurt you feel."

Elladan was not where he had left him but it was easier to find him this time. He went to his rooms as a first port of call. His heart was in his mouth as he knocked on the door. A part of him hoped he would not be there, that he would not have to do this, but he was.

"Elrohir," Elladan look exhausted, so weary, "I am sorry Elrohir, I don't know what else I can say."

"No, don't. You don't have to say anything." He knew he needed to make this right, "I should not have left you. It was selfish of me... I want to help, let me help."

Elladan shook his head,

"I have hurt you, I have hurt Father as well and now, here, I do not even know why I did it. Why didn't I tell you? I was such a fool Elrohir! A young, stupid, fool. And then later it became to hard to tell you. I didn't know where to start, it was easier just to keep on as I was."

"Easier to deal with the loss of her all on your own?"

"Nothing made much sense then," Elladan shrugged. "Nothing about that still does to be honest."

"Well you are not on your own now." He spread his arms and gathered his brother into them, "I am here now."

"You always were there," Elladan murmured into his shoulder, "Even if you didn't know it. I have leaned on you, you have always helped me in the dark days."

He spent hours then talking to his brother and it was late when he made his way to Legolas's room. He wondered if he might be asleep but was relieved to see the light escaping under the door, even more relieved to be greeted with a smile. Elladan's emotions had drained him and Legolas's obvious joy at his arrival eased his soul. He needed his light and his love.

"Is all well?" he asked

"Yes...or better than it was anyway. I still do not understand why he didn't tell me. He has not been able explain it to me. Am I that untrustworthy, truly? Would you think me capable of rejecting someone simply because they are different, someone my brother loved?"

"I do not think it was about you Elrohir." Legolas looked at him seriously.

"But am I? I need to know!" To think his brother had thought so little of him hurt deeply.

Legolas sat on the bed and wrapped his arms around him pulling him to lean back against his chest.

"I am different," he whispered in his ear. "You do not reject me."

"You are a Prince!"

"I am Silvan, as she was..."

"I love you , it is not the same."

"You did not reject Aragorn, even when Arwen loving him meant he took her from you."

He thought on that. It was true, that had hurt but he could never have stood in their way.

"But I loved him too," he murmured, "He was my brother, I loved him too."

"Listen to me Elrohir if you will not believe the truth before your eyes. You are not that man and never have been. You would not have turned from her. You would have helped them. The fault for this lies with Elladan, not you, and he has paid a high price."

"I know," he replied, "He has paid a high price indeed. No wonder he was so upset at us wasting time."

"Then let us waste no more if it." Legolas said with a smile,

And he couldn't agree more.


	17. Chapter 17

He gazed down on Elrohir as he lay sleeping. It did not seem real, that he was here, that they were together, after these weeks...months of believing he was out of reach.

He was tempted to touch him, to wake him simply to spend time with him, to touch, to talk, but he resisted.

Elrohir was tired, shattered from his brothers revelations yesterday. He would let him sleep. The first rays of the sun were just appearing, he had time for a walk, to rejoice in the beauty of the new day, and still be back before Elrohir woke.

He went to the sea as he always did, but this time it was not because he needed it to soothe his soul, Elrohir had already done that. Instead he stood on the sand dunes and remembered. He remembered the Legolas who had last stood here at this beach, watching the ship sail in which bore his love. Watching with an idealism that believed Elrohir would arrive and repair everything. The years of grief and sadness would vanish, would lift off his shoulders at the sight of him, as Elrohir had somehow dragged his soul through that night...the night Aragorn had left him forever.

It hadn't been that easy.

But he was not that Legolas now. Elrohir had filled him with a joy he had forgotten existed, but he had had to wade through a mire of depression to get there. He still had a long way to go and he no longer believed Elrohir was the answer, he was a support, a stepping stone, his hope, his love, but not the answer.

He glanced down the beach then and noticed he was not alone. It was Elladan who stood in the shallows, wind whipping at his hair. He wondered why Elladan would come to the sea?

He had to find out.

"Elladan? Are you well?" He touched him on the shoulder as he approached him, for he found himself suddenly filled with concern.

"Yes." Elladan finally turned to look at him, "I was thinking. I have discovered this is a good place to think."

"It can be a dangerous place to think," Legolas frowned, he had found that out to his cost...to his father's cost, he shuddered to think what would have happened had his uncle not discovered him that day at Tirion.

"You do not have to worry about me." Elladan sounded confident, but Legolas had said that himself before and knew it for a lie.

"How is Elrohir?" He saw the guilt flood Elladan's face as he asked the question.

"He is sleeping...he is well I think, but confused...he struggles to understand you, I don't think he is used to that." He smiled trying to ease the other's burden.

"I have hurt him."

"Yes but which of us has not hurt someone, I am realising I have hurt many. We are none of us perfect. You will mend this. You can not change it but you can repair it."

Elladan smiled,

"You are very insightful today!"

"I can be," was his reply, "I have spent too long thinking only of myself and my woes, not enough thinking of others. I need to return to my father I think for I have much to make amends over with him. I am realising I have been selfish, I have taken all and given nothing, I have worried him and he deserves better from me."

"He will be happy just to see you happy, I think... and are you? I know Elrohir certainly is. He is transformed when he speaks of you."

"I have discovered I was running from the one thing which could save me. I was so afraid of losing him when I should have been afraid of never allowing myself to love him."

"Elrohir cannot save you, Legolas!" Elladan's face is tense with concern.

"I know that," He said and he did now, "But he will be the rock behind me when I fall, the cushion on which I land. He will help me to save myself. I know I have to do the work."

He remembered something then,

"Have you found your love? Did your parents know of her whereabouts? Have they heard of her?"

"No. She is not here, they know that for sure. There is no happy ending in which I discover she has been here all along, Legolas."

Elladan is thoughtful then,

"Father has a theory, I think it will interest you as much as it does me."

Legolas was not much in the mood for Elrond's theories but he decided he would listen to make Elladan happy.

"He thinks Caliel has not returned from the halls, not because she is not ready, or because she does not wish to but because I am not ready for her. He thinks I must heal, learn from my mistakes, only then will we be reunited."

"What do you have to heal from?" He was astonished, Elladan was the most calm, the most balanced person he knew. What would be so bad as to keep him apart from the one he loved?

"I have been lying to myself all along." Elladan said matter of factly. "It wasn't my family who could not accept my love, they all would have welcomed her with open arms, all of them. It was me, I hid behind them as an excuse...a reason for my actions but I was the one who was ashamed. I need to understand that...I need to accept that before we can be together. I do not want to repeat that mistake. Did I even truly love her then, for she really was? I know I do now. But I wonder if she knew it...all along that I could not truly accept her."

A thought occurred to Legolas then, a sudden brilliant thought.

"You think my mother is waiting for me, waiting for me to heal, to deal with my grief? Do you think she wants to return and it is I who prevent it because I am floundering, yet she loves me truly?"

"You know she loves you Legolas. Think on this, it makes sense. It makes sense to me."

"It does..." It was an exhilarating, uplifting, moment of discovery.

"I can do this" He smiled at Elladan, "I can do this Elladan!"

"Of course, we both can, but do it for yourself, to be happy Legolas, not simply to see her again. Let Elrohir help you but not do it for you."

He took Elladan's hand then,

"We will be reunited with them once again. I know it. You and I both."

"You and I both" Elladan repeated, "One day it will happen."

...

He slept late. The sun woke him eventually as it's rays fell across his eyes.

"You have slept long, I thought you would never wake!"

Legolas smiled at him from where he sat cross-legged on the bed beside him.

"Why did you not wake me?" He cried.

"Because I thought you needed sleep. I was just about to, I must admit I was getting bored."

Legolas seemed to him particularly buoyant, as he had not been for some time, since they had been in Arda even.

"You are in a good mood," he said tentatively.

"I have been walking, I met Elladan on the beach."

"You went to the sea again Legolas?" He sighed, for some reason that idea made him melancholy, that hold the sea had over his lover that drew him back to it time and time again.

"To remember," Legolas leaned towards him earnestly, "To remember how far I have come since I was last here."

Before he could respond Legolas was up and gone. One minute he was there, the next, heading out the door. He was confused with this new, energetic Legolas who reminded him strongly of the Legolas he had spent so much time watching during the War of the Ring and after, a Legolas he had not seen for years.

"I bought you this," he grinned as he re-entered the room with a tray laden down with breakfast. Every food imaginable was there.

"I realised I did not know your favourite, that is something I need to remedy."

"Legolas, you did not need to do this," he protested.

"I wanted to. We have been so long apart and at odds...I wanted to do something for you. This morning can be a new start for us."

"I can never eat all this!"

"Then I will help you." Obviously nothing was going to get Legolas down this morning, indeed he cheerfully helped himself to the food, smiling at Elrohir as he did so.

He wondered what had happened to change him so dramatically, he wondered if he could trust this change.

"Why so happy?" He was almost afraid to ask, afraid it would disappear.

Legolas looked genuinely surprised at his question.

"I am with you."

He was uneasy with that answer, it felt too much weight, too much responsibility for Legolas's happiness to rest solely on his shoulders.

"It cannot be just me." He meant he did not wish it to be.

"Well of course," Legolas's smile was wide. "The day is glorious, you need to get out in it Elrohir, the sun on my shoulders made my soul sing...but you are a big part of it. Do you not want to be?" His face creased with a frown.

He took a deep breath, he did not want to say this but he felt he had to.

"I do not want to be the only reason for your happiness. It frightens me. I have seen you in the depths of despair and I do not want it to be me who sends you there again." He took his hand, it was important Legolas understood this.

"I love you. I have for a long time, long before that night. Why do you think I sought you out when you disappeared that day? I knew you were grieving and I was afraid for you. But I am not perfect, I am a long way from being so and I do not want to be the fulcrum upon which your happiness depends, because I will fail you."

"You will not fail me." How could Legolas be so certain?

"Do not worry Elrohir, this is about more than you. I feel as if a load has been lifted from my shoulders, I feel as if the sun shines today just for me alone. I can see through my clouds and there is something to reach for! But you...you do make me happy, I am sorry that frightens you, but I cannot change it. I never thought we would achieve this, I thought you were beyond my reach, yet today we will spend together, you and I. Love makes me happy Elrohir. I know I still have much work to do. I know there are hard days ahead of me, I do not expect you to fix it all for me, not any more. It is enough you will be there."

He reached up and took something out of his pocket.

"There is something I wished to ask you, you said when I was last here we would read this together. You said you would tell me of him. I am ready now to hear it."

And he laid across Elrohir's lap a letter, the letter he had carried across the sea to Legolas from Eldarion.

Elrohir picked it up in surprise, he had not expected this. It was warm and well creased. Had Legolas carried this with him everywhere? He opened it and the words danced in front of his eyes. Words written by a boy he had nurtured whose father he had loved as a brother. He had watched them both age and die. He brushed his hand over them. Eldarion had written this, Eldarion's hand had rested here. If only he could touch that hand again. His emotions were on edge following his brothers revelations and the joy of simply being with Legolas. Unbidden he felt the tears fill his eyes for Eldarion was gone beyond his reach and Aragorn and Arwen before him. Before he could control himself he was weeping.

"Forgive me," he gasped looking at Legolas's startled, horrified face, "It is just, I miss them. I miss them all. I am sorry."

Then Legolas's arms were around him, pulling him down against his chest, he was engulfed with warmth and calm, he could hear his lovers heartbeat thudding in his ear and it filled him with peace.

"I miss them too Elrohir, I miss them too. We will do this together, you and I, and Elladan too for he feels it also. You are not alone with this. None of us are alone."

I am not alone, he thought and that thought began to melt away a portion of the lump of ice in his chest.

"Let me tell you of when Gimli and I stole Eldarion away for a midnight feast and his nursemaid had the whole castle looking for him!" Legolas's bright laughter washed over him. "Arwen was beside herself and Aragorn was so angry. He did not talk to us civilly for days, why they did not come to us straight away I will never know. It would have saved them so much time. I was an irresponsible woodelf who should never be let near children, he told me." Legolas' giggling at the memory was infectious.

"I have not thought of this for years!"

Elrohir smiled and pulled back so he could see his lovers face.

"Tell me more," He said for Legolas had spent far more time with his brother in those last years than he, had far more stories, and suddenly he was hungry for them.

And so he did.

They laughed and cried and remembered together, Legolas told him stories of Eldarion's youth and Aragorn's kingship, he in turn spoke of the young man who was king after Legolas had sailed and as the morning went on that cold, blue ice in his chest slowly faded away.

Then only the love remained.


	18. Chapter 18

A letter comes for me this morning. I do not often receive any so it is unexpected. My father hands it to me, his face grim but behind his sternness I see something else. I am not sure what it is, so often he is an enigma to me.

"Mail for you Elladan," he says as he hands it over.

The letter itself is plain, the envelope made of heavy, luxurious paper. It is marked only with my name in black ink. I open it with trepidation, something about it seems ominous.

Inside is a single sheet of paper, requesting my presence at the Gardens of Lórien the very next day. No, not requesting, I am left in no doubt it is an order I cannot disobey. It is unsigned.

"Would you like me to accompany you," my father says quietly, "or perhaps your mother would be more suitable, since Elrohir is not here?"

How did he know what was written here?

I look up at him in confusion,

"What is this? Who has sent this? I have no reason to travel to Lórien. I know no-one there."

"No-one?" He asks me, "You can think of no-one you would like to meet there?"

And then the understanding hits me. I drop the letter as if it scalds me. This cannot be happening. So long I have waited for this but now it is upon me I am terrified.

"Why have they asked me?" I cry, "Her family will be there, they will be enough, surely?"

"They have asked the one she most wishes to see. One person only to meet her, more would overwhelm her. You will take her to her family."

I stare at my hands, they are shaking, tomorrow I will see her. Tomorrow she will be here.

...

We stand at the end of the path, my mother and I, which ahead of us winds its way up to the gardens. In the distance the tall white gates block our way at its end. It was my mother I chose to bring me here. She knows her best. She will be familiar.

"Go Elladan," she says gently, "Go and find your happiness."

I turn to look at her and she smiles.

"Mother, I am afraid."

It is a hard confession to make. I should be filled with joy and yet I am frightened. What if she has changed, what if we, together, are different? I know I am.

But she is not surprised by it.

"Of course you are." She replies, "But you will still do this."

She is right, of course. She is so often right. I leave her behind me and start my way down the path.

It seems an age that I am standing there, waiting, in front of the gates which loom overhead. Time is at a standstill and in the end I do not think she will ever come...and yet she does. Slowly they open, ever slowly and I am blinded. The bright light fills my vision and overtakes my world. I can see nothing.

Then as fast as it is there, it is gone and all that is left behind is her.

She stands there, uncertain, all in white, her hair glistening dark, a river of beauty across her shoulders and down her back and I gasp. She is just as I remember her.

She sees me then and calls out my name,

"Elladan!" and she runs towards me. Her voice, oh her voice, how can I have forgotten it? How can I have let go of a sound so lovely as that. It breaks through my inertia and I am running too. I cannot reach her fast enough, is she real? Is this a dream?

And then I am there, I have her in my arms, she is the same, she feels the same, she smells the same, the way our bodies fit together is the same.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," the words tumble out of my mouth over and over. It is all I can say, all I want to say. How many times have I rehearsed this in my head, how many months, years, centuries, have I planned what I would say and this is not it, but all my plans have vanished from my mind. It is all I can say because it is all there is.

I love you.

For she is here,

and nothing else matters.

 **Authors Note: And that's all folks! Thanks to everyone who has been reading and to Nyx Thranduillion and Nimruzir for your lovely reviews which kept me motivated to get to the end. There is one more last scene in my head I will write as a short one shot if anyone wants to see it...Legolas and his mother of course!**

 **P.s. I posted this and the last chapter in close succession make sure you don't miss the last one!**


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